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Being Strategic About Weddings

Being Strategic About Weddings

by | Mar 28, 2017 | Outreach

by Ted Cunningham

I love weddings. My retirement plans include running on a small wedding chapel on Table Rock Lake in Branson, Missouri. I’’ve officiated outdoor weddings, backyard weddings, destination weddings, traditional weddings, sunset on the lake weddings, after Sunday morning service weddings and garden weddings. For me, weddings are like mini marriage conferences in breathtaking environments. Here are a few considerations to help church leaders honor, enjoy and prioritize weddings and marriage in the church.

1. Invite gathered family and friends to be backup singers. The daughters of Jerusalem were the backup singers for Solomon and the Shullamite bride: “We rejoice and delight in you, we will praise your love more than wine” (Song of Songs 1:4 NIV). During the ceremony, when I welcome family and friends, I make sure they know that they are there for a purpose. I invite them to rejoice and delight in the love and union of the couple by holding them accountable to their vows, praying for the couple and speaking words of high value over them.

2. Coach your receptionist and/or assistant. When someone calls the church office and says, ““We would like to talk to someone about getting married,”” train whoever answers the phone to respond with statements like, “”Congratulations!”” or ““When’’s the big day?”” Avoid statements like, ““Well, let me see who is available to talk to you”” or, ““We don’’t host many weddings here because of our weekend services.”” Part of creating a marriage and family culture at your church is developing a genuine enthusiasm about marriage on the front lines.

3. Develop relationships with chapels, gardens, and resorts. Give engaged couples options. Our church meets in a castle. You would think that every princess would want her wedding in a castle. However, smack dab in the middle of our auditorium and in the center of the main aisle there is a pole. This makes for an awkward processional.

4. Wordsmith wedding guidelines and add more grace. A few years ago, my assistant asked me to reconsider the tone of our wedding guidelines. When someone called the office to seek premarital counseling and to schedule their wedding, we sent them our wedding guidelines. This document included notes on cohabitation. We never heard back from many couples. This was not our intent. Tough conversations are better in person, not print. You don’’t need to put everything you believe in a policy manual. Don’’t change what you believe, but get face to face with the couple so they can hear your heart and see your genuine love and concern for them.

5. Give people a clear path through your marriage ministry. Premarital counseling is the perfect time to give the couple a discipleship plan. From church membership to small groups, challenge couples to press into biblical community. Translate the support of the church for their wedding into even more support for their marriage.

 

Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love. Ted and his wife, Amy, live in Branson with their two children, Corynn and Carson.

Why Cookies Cause the Most Fights in Marriage

Why Cookies Cause the Most Fights in Marriage

by | Mar 14, 2017 | Outreach

by Tim Parsons

I get the privilege of meeting with a lot of couples. Some of them are in the process of receiving pre-marital counseling. Others are friends that we’re spending some time with. A few of them attend a marriage class that my wife and I teach. While others are in the midst of crisis. All of these meetings have a different flavor and feel to them, but there are some commonalities that exist across all of these different conversations.

Recently, I was meeting with a couple and they shared that they had had a fight recently. I was expecting, as the story unfolded, that this was going to be the kind of fight that would end their relationship. This was it. Irreconcilable differences.

As I listened on, I was surprised to find out that the fight was about cookies! Cookies!!!! More specifically was that he ate the last cookie and didn’t save any for her.

Now, as much as I can relate to someone eating the last cookie and that leading to a massive problem in a marriage that only years of counseling can fix, my first reaction was to tell the couple “If cookies are the worst of your issues, you’ll have a long, happy marriage.” I mean, really – cookies?!?!? I’ve interacted with couples that are dealing with unfaithfulness, alcoholism, and intimacy issues. But, cookies? That’s a new one…

Instead of downplaying their issue, I found myself reflecting on my own marriage. Would Consuela and I fight over cookies? Would it have to be a snickerdoodle or sugar cookie before it would start a fight? Would it matter if they were store-bought or homemade?
And then it hit me…

We DO fight over cookies! A lot. In fact, MOST of the fights we have are over cookies.

Confused yet? Let me define “cookies” for you:
Cookies = Picking where we’ll eat for dinner
Cookies = Changing diapers
Cookies = Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, running the vacuum
Cookies = Money, Children, Sex
Cookies = Anything that causes a fight but isn’t the root cause of the argument

What was true about this couple’s fight and what is true about most of the fights that me and my wife have is that what we’re fighting about or what starts the fight isn’t usually the cause of the fight. I would say that there are a few real reasons that couples fight and if we’re able to identify this before a fight starts or gets out of control, we can have a happier marriage. These reasons include:

  • I’m being selfish. This is true for husbands and wives alike. We are naturally selfish and we really have to be intentional in our marriage about fight against our selfish tendencies. “Those cookies are MINE.” “I baked those cookies so I get to eat more than you.” “I have needs, I’m hungry, I haven’t eaten all day…” I think you get the idea. If we are faced with an offense, we should first pause and check our motives. Am I upset because the other person did something worthy of my anger or is it simply a case of where our own selfish wants are not being met?
  • My love tank is empty. Most fights happen because of empty love tanks. I haven’t had any quality time with my spouse. I’ve not heard any words of affirmation for weeks. My spouse hasn’t served me. I’ve not received any gifts from him/her. We haven’t touched one another for too long. You see, when we aren’t being “loved,” it’s much easier for the small things (and big things too) to impact us at a much deeper level. So, it’s not actually cookies that are causing the fights, but rather my need for an encouraging word from my wife about my work or parenting, etc.
  • Unmet expectations. Unmet expectations are a real “fight starter” in marriage. When we expect that our spouse will behave in a certain way (thoughtful, caring, etc.), we can be regularly disappointed. When we expect that our spouse will make a certain decision when faced with particular circumstances (disciplining our children, spending money, eating the last cookie, etc.), we can be hurt by their actual decision. When we expect that a moment (date night, vacation, etc.) will happen in a specific way, we can become disillusioned. Communicating about our expectations can alleviate the need for them to become unmet.

At the end of the day, most of the fights we have could be avoided. If we examine our motives, work diligently on filling each other’s love tanks, and communicate regularly about our expectations, we can greatly reduce the impact that eating the last cookie can have on our marriage and our relationship.

In your marriage/relationship, what’s your cookie?

 

Tim Parsons wears a lot of hats, but his favorites include husband, daddy, and pastor. You can find his words online in several places where he typically writes about Leadership, Marriage, and Parenting.  He’s been married to the love of his life, Consuela, for over 15 years and they have 4 children.  His hobbies include dipping fries in ranch dressing, correcting other’s grammar mistakes in his head, scrolling through Facebook just shaking his head, and overusing hashtags.  Check out more from Tim at www.timandconsuela.com.

 Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

 

3 Ways the Church Can Approach Marriage When Working with Millennials

3 Ways the Church Can Approach Marriage When Working with Millennials

by | Mar 7, 2017 | Outreach, Technology

I am passionate about Millennials and marriage? Why? I did not come from the fairy tale story. I have seen my share of pain, disappointment and dysfunction. I am a Millennial who is part of that 50% who come from a divorced home.

I too feared marriage and when I finally met “the one,” I remember praying to God, “Please help me not screw it up.”

Just like you, I grew up hearing many fights, seeing lots of pain and catching a lot of tears. Marriage in my home was not pretty but despite all of that, I knew that it was God’s best.

So, I made the plunge and got married and in all honesty, I have never had a regret. Fortunately, Justin and I had family and mentors in our life who let us sit back and see covenantal marriage lived out. They set great examples of marriage and how it should reflect the very heart of God. The church really has an opportunity to meet a generation right where they are and BE the church.

Here are three approaches that pastors and church leaders can take that could help change the perception of marriage among the Millennial generation:

Approach Marriage Holistically

Changing Millennials perception of marriage starts with healing from the inside out. Think about it, 50% of Millennials come from divorced homes, which causes many to be simply repelled and fearful of the institution. Churches today can create a safe community that models Godly marriages and relationships that bring healing where there is brokenness.

The church should begin working with young couples as soon as love blooms while they are dating or engaged. Millennials value mentorship making it a great opportunity for the leaders to guide, support and equip these couples for successful marriages. We have seen religion fail to keep marriages together, but when there is a community of support and open communication, marriage and Godly relationships can thrive.

Approach Marriage Authentically

Did you know that church leaders are in the modeling business? Your role is to model a Godly (not perfect) marriage in an authentic way that changes the negative perception that Millennials have towards marriage.This means that you must make YOUR marriage a priority by investing in your spouse.

Take your spouse on dates, romance the heart, leave sweet notes, clean the kitchen (we call that Chore-play in our house) and keep falling in love and pursuing your spouse.

Approach Marriage Intimately

Another way to approach marriage that can help change Millennials perception is by having genuine conversations about sex and sexuality that embodies grace and truth. Sex has been perverted in the world and ignored in the church.

The church needs to talk about sex! God designed sex to be holy, pure and intimate not perverted, dirty and disingenuous. If the church does not lead in the conversation about sex than the world will.

The church must seize the moment to prepare, equip and encourage the next generation of couples for strong marriages because families matter, marriage matters, and the church can lead the way.

Jennifer Murff is the president of Millennials for Marriage. She is also a graduate of Dallas Baptist University and Regent University where she hold a Doctorate of Strategic Leadership with an emphasis on strategic foresight focusing on millennials and the future of marriage at Regent University’s School of Business and Leadership.

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

Marriage Ministry: What’s the point?

Marriage Ministry: What’s the point?

by | Feb 23, 2017 | Outreach, Training

by Ted Lowe

Why should churches have a marriage strategy?

Potential Answer One: Because marriage is the reflection of Christ and the Church.
If this is the case, then shouldn’’t the church do everything in its power to ensure that reflection makes Christ and the Church look really great? Marriage is important because it points to something even more important; how much God loves His people.

Potential Answer Two: Because marriage greatly impacts children
As I have visited churches all over the country, one thing is clear: the church cares about kids. Just check out the kids’ space/wing/facility/amusement parks of most churches. One of the best gifts we can give a child is helping their parents have great marriages. Or if that child isn’t in a two-parent home, then we can still surround them with adults who have great marriages.

Potential Answer Three: Maybe the church shouldn’t help marriages.
A lot of churches aren’’t doing anything proactive to help marriages. Maybe that’’s because they subconsciously or consciously think it’’s not the churches place or area of expertise. Maybe we should continue to leave it up to professionals like counselors and/or parachurch organizations.

While I can’’t argue potential answer three as a good answer, I have and do argue the case of potential answer one and two. But the answer I think is the best, is none of the above.

Why should the churches have a marriage strategy?

I think this is the best answer: Because marriage is a spiritual issue.
Of all three biblical purposes for marriage: functional (Genesis 2:18-25), sacramental (Ephesians 5:22-33), and transformational (Ephesians 5:15-33), the purpose of transformation seems superior to the other two purposes. This purpose of marriage and the purpose of the church is the same—to make people more like Jesus and draw them closer to God. It makes sense really.

When marriage isn’’t working, it robs people of their best possible relationship with God. If you are passionate about children and their faith, then empowering marriages is a must. Family is the platform on which God builds faith. Faith affects family. Family affects faith.

What’’s your answer to the question: Why should the churches have a marriage strategy?

2 Reasons and 6 Ways to Make Marriage Events the Best Entry Point Into Your Church

2 Reasons and 6 Ways to Make Marriage Events the Best Entry Point Into Your Church

by | Jan 24, 2017 | Outreach

by Ted Lowe

In 2001, we started creating quarterly, one-night marriage events at our church. I knew one of our biggest hurdles would be to make the event appealing to the men of our church. Notice, I said the men of our church, emphasis on church. Because I never dreamed that a marriage event would be a good place for our regular attenders to invite their non-church going or non-believing family, friends, and neighbors . . . especially if they happen to be male. Why? Because, typically, it’s men who don’’t want to talk about their marriages.

But as church leaders, we shouldn’’t be too quick to judge men for their lack of want to. One study showed that marriage ministry is perceived as boring, outdated, and preachy. When that’’s the case, why would men want to attend? That study is about 10 years old, and for the last decade, I have watched church leaders from all over the country change how they approach marriage ministry. The unexpected benefit: people who they never dreamed would come to their church, come to their church. Why?

Two main reasons:
1) People told me countless times that it is easier to ask someone to a “marriage thing” on Saturday night, than to Sunday morning church.
2) People don’’t have to love Jesus to want their marriage to work. So people’’s desire to have a better, good or even great marriage, often trumps many of their hesitancies about church.

When you combine those two powerful reasons with a great marriage event at your church, you can often have a great impact on the marriages of church AND your community. Here are six ways to make marriage events the best entry point into your church.

  1. Think masculine. Ask yourself each step of the way, “Will our marketing and programming appeal to women AND men?”
  2. Think non-believer. As you share what the Bible has to say about marriage, remember not everyone knows the Bible. They may have never heard phrases like, ““two becoming one.””
  3. Think fun. Nothing disarms a crowd like humor, so use humor but keep it classy.
  4. Think less for more. Often when you teach less, people learn more.
  5. Think application. Help people to easily practice the biblical principle you presented at your event. Give couples just one go and do they can actually do.
  6. Think, now what? Many marriage events are filled with five years worth of content with no, “now whats.” What if you flipped this on its head by giving couples one principle with one application and many “now-whats,” like the date of your next event, date night ideas, small groups, counseling, etc.

I never dreamed marriage events would be the best place to invite a 34-year-old man who hadn’t been to church since he was 12, but the attendees at my church schooled me on that one. In this case at least, I love it when I’’m wrong.

To see how churches are living out these two reasons and six ways, go to MarriedPeople Leaders to join our closed Facebook page for church leaders. Yes, it’’s a closed group, but ask to join and we will let you in.

 

Ted Lowe is the Director of MarriedPeople, and the co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last for marriage ministry leaders and the author of the newly released, Your Best US, for couples.  Follow Ted on Twitter @tedlowe.

Using Social Media to Promote Date Nights

Using Social Media to Promote Date Nights

by | Jan 23, 2017 | Outreach, Technology

by Tim Walker

Most couples know they should date. But the reality of schedules, children with stomach viruses, money, and just the thought of the same old thing quickly become deterrents. After a while, you just quit trying.

But time alone between couples is important. It keeps them connected. It reminds them of why they got together in the first place. It’’s also why we include four Date Nights in our MarriedPeople Strategy Pack. And why we create these date nights to be fun and memorable moments for a couple, not a therapy session.

So how do you get couples to move from “we should do this,” to “let’’s actually do this”? How does the church promote Date Night for couples. Why not harness the power of social media?

Here are some tips and ideas to make a date night a trending topic with the couples in your church:

•Save the date

Set a date on the calendar that will be the official “Date Night” for your married couples. Since we provide four dates a year, that means, wait for it . . . setting aside four dates on the calendar. Not everyone will be able to go out that night, and may need to set a substitute date, but by making a night an official date night, you are showing that it’’s important. And you’’re giving couples a marker on the calendar to work around and hold sacred.

To ensure that couples save the date (in more ways than one), send out an evite or email blast with the Save the Date dates.

•Feed the buzz

As the event draws closer, create a lot of buzz online. Post messages to Facebook, send tweets via Twitter, post images to Instagram to build some excitement about Date Night. Here’s an example of something you may want to tweet:

Don’’t you and your spouse need some serious fun? [insert date] is the night to make it happen.

•Before leaving the house

Once you distribute the Date Nights, you can encourage couples to find some place new to try with smart phone apps like Yelp or Urban Spoon. You can also let them know about special deals in the area through sites like Groupon or Amazon Local.

•Out and About and offline

Unless otherwise instructed in the MarriedPeople Date Night PDF, while on their date, encourage couples to stay offline. We want them to connect with one another, and not the rest of the virtual world.

•Post Post-Event

Send out an email or post online encouraging couples to upload photos from Date Night using #mpdates. Post the pics to your church website, blog and/or Facebook page. It’’s a great way to show what fun date nights can be, and a great promo for your next “date night.”

These are just a few ideas of how you can utilize social media to create some buzz around date nights.

What are some ways your church has used social media to promote date nights?

 

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