by Guest Writer | Nov 9, 2017 | Faith, Outreach
They sit in your services every week. They worship alongside you. They listen to your sermons. They serve Christ with hearts crushed by the weight of an empty cradle. They are infertile.
The heart of God is touched by infertility. Marriages affected by it are found throughout the Bible: Abraham and Sarah, Elkanah and Hannah, Zechariah and Elizabeth.
Marriages touched by infertility are also found throughout our churches. One out of every eight married couples struggles with unwanted childlessness. How do you minister to those who are hurting and sometimes overlooked?
Allow me to share some practical ways to help.
Be Sensitive
Be sensitive on hard days like Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day. Pray for couples who desire to be parents.
If you give gifts to moms and dads, have a gift available to those struggling with infertility and loss. Perhaps a card sharing how you pray for them: strength on hard days; timely encouragement; healing for diseases that affect conception; healing for grief over losses; strength for marriage.
Understand their Grief
Many infertile couples experience miscarriage. Minister to married couples as if they were grieving a two-year-old. The death of a child at any age is a devastating loss.
Never say: You can always have another baby. Even if they are blessed with a home full of other children, they will always grieve this baby.
Host a Memorial
Host a memorial service honoring and remembering miscarried and stillborn babies to the married couples in your community.
Protect Their Hearts
Protect hearts that are already hurting. Don’t ask women who are infertileor who have miscarriedto host baby showers or help with Mothers’ Day events.
Create a Small Group
Launch a small group for couples who are walking through infertility.
Discuss tensions that can grow between husbands and wives and ways to communicate through the process. Discuss grief, doubts, and Gods faithfulness. And consider opening it up as a community-wide group.
Recognize the Cycle
Remember that infertile couples grieve anew every 28 days, when another cycle signals another failed attempt at conception.
As leaders, youre familiar with Philippians 4:13, yet ministry begins with verse 14: Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction, (NASB).
Certainly, God gives infertile couples strength to ride that 28-day roller coaster of expensive medications, doctors appointments, and anxiety, not knowing until the end of the ride if they will be released or confined for another 28 days.
Nevertheless, when you walk alongside couples struggling with infertility, when you make a difficult season a little less isolating, when you share their affliction, you have done well.
Beth Forbus, founder of Sarahs Laughter: Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss, has written three books on infertility and loss, including an Infertility Bible study for groups. If you have questions about launching your own infertility ministry, please email her at beth@sarahs-laughter.com. For more info, including daily devotions, please visit www.sarahs-laughter.com.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Oct 26, 2017 | Outreach
When Tonya and I were engaged, we had a couples wedding shower. We opened toasters, potholders and a vase. I was grateful, but none of that really captured my attention. Then, we were handed a heavy box. My memories of Christmas always told me that the best dude-gifts were heavy!
We opened the box with great anticipation. It was a tool set! I’d never owned my own tools, so I was pretty amped up. Included in that tool set was a steel-shafted hammer.
Twenty-three years later we still use that hammer weekly. The toaster burned up. The potholders went out of style. But the hammer? It still works. It’s hard to break a hammer. What about that vase we got at the shower, you ask? Let’s just say one hammer plus one vase… you do the math.
As a church leader, staff member or volunteer leader, there are some essentials we can use to fill our pastoral tool boxes, tools that will last. The following are four great tools to keep handy when we talk with couples who are stuck or struggling.
1. Listen
Ask the simple question, “What brought you here?” Then sit back and listen.
2. Remind Them, It’s Not You It’s Me
Most marital issues are actually issues of the heart. James 4:1 reminds us that fights come because we many times we just want our own way. Point couples to Ephesians 5:33 and help them understand that our focus has to go off of what we want and on to what the other person needs.
3. Lead Them To Date Again
After helping a couple refocus, encourage them to rekindle their dating relationship. Have them alternate who plans the date.
When he plans, he sets up a date that would focus on her likes. And vice-versa. The spouse that is recipient of the date must not complain if the planner doesn’t get it quite right! It may take some trial-and-error, but trying is the key.
4. Offer Hope
They are there because they have lost hope of a great marriage. God wants the best for their marriage. Thats amazing hope!
Counseling can be intimidating sometimes. Remember that God has given you what you need to offer life and help. Let Him stretch you as you pour into couples.
You may find that sometimes the deeper you dig, the more youll realize this situation may take more experience or time than you currently have. If you begin to realize you need a tool that is not in your toolbox, seek help with a local licensed counselor who will dispense Gods Word along with psychological help.
Or seek an organization like Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. There is likely a counselor in your area or many of them provide Facetime or Skype counseling as well.
Kirk Stewart is the Discipleship Pastor at First Southern Baptist Church in Bryant, AR. Hes passionate about building spiritual depth in people, marriages and families and is a speaker and Biblical counselor. You can reach him on Twitter @kirklstewart.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Ron Edmondson | Sep 14, 2017 | Outreach
In my position, I hear from men and women continually. In most relationships communication appears to be the biggest struggle. It’s a constant work in progress in my own marriage. The difficulty is in the way men and women communicate.
My counseling background and years of experience working with couples has given me insight into some of the barriers men and women face when communicating.
I realize not all men are alike and these are generalities. I can’t emphasize that enough. If you comment that these arent true for everyone I am with you!
The only way to know is to talk with the men with whom you are trying to communicate to see if these are true for them. My hope is that these tips may help some women better understand a man and improve communication.
1. We meant what we said. Often not what you heard.
That is true 99% of the time. (Statistically verifiable.) Men are usually more literal, and frankly simple-minded. Women may have multiple meanings with a statement. That’s less likely with men.
So, when a man says something, try to hear only what was said without attaching extra thoughts triggered by emotions. If in doubt, ask if his statement had a deeper meaning before making assumptions.
Most likely he meant only nothing more than what was said. (I cant tell you how many classic examples of marriage problems I’ve seen develop with just this one tip.)
2. We don’t often like to give details.
If we said where we were going, who we had a discussion with or what we had for lunch, thats usually enough for us. End of discussion. (At least in our minds.)
We may not like going into detail beyond those simple facts. I understand you may need and even deserve more information. That’s especially true when a man has given reason to disprove his trustworthiness.
In learning how to communicate, however, its important to know details may be out of his realm of comfort to provide. When its not a matter of trust, the less you pump for details the more likely he will be to share facts, and even occasionally, details.
For Cheryl and me, she has learned that if she gives me time, and especially if we are doing something together, like walking that Im more likely to share the details she wants without having to ask for them.
3. Our range of emotions is limited.
Most men don’t feel as deeply or multi-faceted as a woman feels about an issue. It’s not that we dont care. It’s just that we are wired differently.
Because of this, men tend to communicate more factually and less emotionally. If you ask us how we feel happy or sad may be as descriptive as we can get for you. That may be it.
I’ve heard so many wives who want to know their husbands deeper emotions. She may not understand that hes shared the depth as well as he knows how to share them.
4. When you tend to cry, we may tend to get angry.
I get criticized for this point sometimes, but its a difference in wiring. Please understand, there is never an excuse to misuse anger and abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. But anger in itself is not a sin. The Bible says in your anger do not sin, but it seems to assume we will have moments of anger.
The same things that may cause females emotions to produce tears, often cause a man to develop anger. A godly man learns to handle that anger responsibly, but it doesn’t eliminate the response.
When an issue riles a man emotionally, it helps if you understand his emotions may be normal and you may even be able to help him channel his response to that emotion. Cheryl does this for me continually.
5. Sometimes we have a hard time communicating what’s on our heart.
This is sad and we may even know it. Here’s a tip. When you make us feel we will be respected regardless of the emotions we display, the more likely youll see our true emotions.
Please understand. Im not making excuses for men. The basic premise of all of these is to remember that men and women are different. Im simply trying to help you communicate with a man.
Men, what did I miss?
Reposted with permission. Article originally appeared here.
Ron Edmondson is a husband, dad, pastor, church planter and church growth/organizational leadership consultant in Lexington, KY. Check out Ron’s blog for great leadership advice.
by Ted Lowe | Aug 29, 2017 | Outreach
One Sunday, my pastor, Andy Stanley, gave an amazing message on giving called, An Ounce of Prevention.
He said there are two types of giving:
- Intervention giving is emotional and the results are measurable.
- Prevention giving is neither. But it is far superior.
He makes the point that intervention giving is important. In fact, our raises millions to immediately help charities in the Atlanta area every December. They also pledged 15,000 hours of volunteer service to help these charities. What an amazing example of intervention giving.
But then, in what I thought was an amazingly insightful and brave leadership move, he said, But prevention giving is far superior to intervention giving. He gave many examples of why this is true, but of course my favorite was his example of marriage ministry.
When a church has a preventive approach to marriage, the problem is that they never know what they have prevented, so they don’t have emotional stories to tell. When a church creates a tool or sets up a relationship to save a marriage, it often results in a measurable and sensational story; which is great. We will not know until heaven what good marriages were made great, what divorces were prevented, and everything in between. But there is no argument that preventing a couple from crisis is far superior to crisis intervention.
Many churches have an intervention approach to helping marriages. Why? I think the stories of divorce and pain have left many of them shell-shocked, fighting in triage mode. But we talk to church leaders every day who get that a prevention approach is far superior to an intervention approach. And while there may be very few church leaders paid to solely focus on marriage ministry, there are children, student, family and lay leaders who are coming out of the woodwork asking questions and giving answers for marriage that fall under the preventive category.
I think these questions and answers are leading to stories that aren’t as sensational, but they are far superior.
Perhaps a story of a stepfamily of five staying together instead of splitting once again.
Maybe a boy will have his dad at home until he goes to college instead of seeing him every other weekend.
Maybe a couple comes to Christ because a neighbor invited them to a marriage thing at church.
Maybe many marriages that would have been dull and lifeless are full of laughter and life.
Why? Because the church taught them how to connect.
As the new school year starts, what are some fresh, preventive, and strategic moves your church can make to create stories that may never be told?
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Jul 11, 2017 | Faith, Outreach
by Ted Lowe
Beth stood at the kitchen window as she saw Blake drive away for the last time before their divorce was to be complete. Once his car was out of view, she hit her knees and sobbed. The kids would be home from school any minute, she had better get herself together.
Blake’s hands were shaking and he was out of breath so he pulled into the neighborhood clubhouse. He was surprised at his response. After all, this was the best thing for everyone, especially the kids, right?
Just then, the school bus turned into the neighborhood next to the clubhouse. Parents were waiting for their kids. But he wasn’t. His daughters got off the bus and headed to his car, despite the fact that they were confused to meet him there on a Thursday.
Beth looked out the window and saw Blake driving back up the driveway and was very confused to see the girls in his car.
Blake stopped the car, wondering if he should make a quick exit or allow the girls to get settled in first.
Paralyzed by the sight, Beth wondered why Blake had the girls. Is he saying goodbye? He had better not; they had decided that Saturday at lunch was the best time. What if he . . . . has he changed his mind? That’s not possible. They were both certain. Right?
The girls hopped out of Blake’s car. Jenny, the spitting image of Beth, turned and said, “Get out, Daddy!” Sara was already on her way inside the house. She had been distant for months. He and Beth both agreed she knew something was up.
”Hi baby, how was your day?” Beth asked Sara as she breezed by. ”Fine,” Sara said, continuing without pause to her room.
Then firecracker Jenny came barreling in. ”Mommy, why did Daddy meet us at the bus?” she asked. ”Jake’s mom always meets us on Thursdays.” Before getting an answer, she ran back outside to see what was keeping her dad.
Blake, still frozen and not knowing what to do, watched as Jenny runs toward the car, shouting: ”Daddy, what are you doing? Get out. Let’s play. Jump with me on the trampoline.”
“No, Jenny. I have to go,” he said.
“Go where?” she asked.
“Honey, I . . . have . . . I have to work and I need to . . .” his voice trailed off. Her face went from exuberant to flat in a millisecond. What had appeared to be a great surprise on a random Thursday was now just a big disappointment.
“Come on, Jenny,” Beth said, walking outside. ”Come inside. Dad needs to go.”
Seeing Beth and Jenny standing there together, looking just alike, killed him. ”Beth, can we talk for just a minute?” Blake asked before thinking.
“Blake, don’t you need to get back to work?” Beth said.
“Yes, but it will only take a minute,” he said. ”Jenny, can you give me and your mom just a few minutes?” Jenny kicked the ground and ran inside.
Then Blake said . . .
Attention anyone passionate about marriage: What do you want Blake to say?
What do you want Beth to say?
How does your heart long for this story to end, or at least re-begin?
I’m a dreamer. Every day, moms and dads are driving away for the last time, and families are dividing up permanently. I believe the Church’s role is to change those stories, restore those stories. I beg of you, start the ball rolling at your church. Start leveraging your church to help marriages.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but please make room for the Beths, Blakes, Saras and Jennys that surround your church.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Guest Writer | Apr 18, 2017 | Leadership, Outreach
by Adam Roberson
Do you ever look at your spouse and remember what it felt like to fall in love with them? Remember what it was like to feel your whole world light up when they called and to feel those little butterflies swooping through your stomach at just the thought of them walking through the door? It’s an amazing feeling. The question is, what happened to it?
What happened to the light headed happiness that only comes from spending time with your best friend in the entire world?
Life happened.
Bills happened.
Jobs happened.
Kids happened.
Responsibility happened.
And all those necessary, and even wonderful, things pulled just a little bit more of your attention towards their call and away from the love and bond you share with your spouse. What was once new and novel became habit and you began to take the one you love most for granted.
Chances are, this is the reality of many of your parents and volunteers who walk through the doors of your church every week. The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to focus your time and energy on the marriages involved. When you have healthy marriages, you have healthy family ministry environments.
We are constantly trying to find way to build healthy marriages. Whether it’s through quarterly Date Nights, one night events, or small group studies, we are encouraging couples to connect.
We value marriage and believe it provides us will not only healthy environments, but healthy couples who lead in those environments week by week.
The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to figure how you can incorporate healthy marriages in your environments.
What are some things your church is doing to impact the marriages of the families involved in your ministries?
Adam Roberson is the Director of Family Ministry and Married Life at Rock Point Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Adam and his wife Monica were married in 2006 and have three children, Jackson, Beckham and Evelyn.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
