by Guest Writer | Mar 28, 2017 | Outreach
by Ted Cunningham
I love weddings. My retirement plans include running on a small wedding chapel on Table Rock Lake in Branson, Missouri. I’ve officiated outdoor weddings, backyard weddings, destination weddings, traditional weddings, sunset on the lake weddings, after Sunday morning service weddings and garden weddings. For me, weddings are like mini marriage conferences in breathtaking environments. Here are a few considerations to help church leaders honor, enjoy and prioritize weddings and marriage in the church.
1. Invite gathered family and friends to be backup singers. The daughters of Jerusalem were the backup singers for Solomon and the Shullamite bride: We rejoice and delight in you, we will praise your love more than wine (Song of Songs 1:4 NIV). During the ceremony, when I welcome family and friends, I make sure they know that they are there for a purpose. I invite them to rejoice and delight in the love and union of the couple by holding them accountable to their vows, praying for the couple and speaking words of high value over them.
2. Coach your receptionist and/or assistant. When someone calls the church office and says, “We would like to talk to someone about getting married,” train whoever answers the phone to respond with statements like, ”Congratulations!” or “When’s the big day?” Avoid statements like, “Well, let me see who is available to talk to you” or, “We don’t host many weddings here because of our weekend services.” Part of creating a marriage and family culture at your church is developing a genuine enthusiasm about marriage on the front lines.
3. Develop relationships with chapels, gardens, and resorts. Give engaged couples options. Our church meets in a castle. You would think that every princess would want her wedding in a castle. However, smack dab in the middle of our auditorium and in the center of the main aisle there is a pole. This makes for an awkward processional.
4. Wordsmith wedding guidelines and add more grace. A few years ago, my assistant asked me to reconsider the tone of our wedding guidelines. When someone called the office to seek premarital counseling and to schedule their wedding, we sent them our wedding guidelines. This document included notes on cohabitation. We never heard back from many couples. This was not our intent. Tough conversations are better in person, not print. You don’t need to put everything you believe in a policy manual. Don’t change what you believe, but get face to face with the couple so they can hear your heart and see your genuine love and concern for them.
5. Give people a clear path through your marriage ministry. Premarital counseling is the perfect time to give the couple a discipleship plan. From church membership to small groups, challenge couples to press into biblical community. Translate the support of the church for their wedding into even more support for their marriage.
Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love. Ted and his wife, Amy, live in Branson with their two children, Corynn and Carson.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Mar 14, 2017 | Outreach
by Tim Parsons
I get the privilege of meeting with a lot of couples. Some of them are in the process of receiving pre-marital counseling. Others are friends that we’re spending some time with. A few of them attend a marriage class that my wife and I teach. While others are in the midst of crisis. All of these meetings have a different flavor and feel to them, but there are some commonalities that exist across all of these different conversations.
Recently, I was meeting with a couple and they shared that they had had a fight recently. I was expecting, as the story unfolded, that this was going to be the kind of fight that would end their relationship. This was it. Irreconcilable differences.
As I listened on, I was surprised to find out that the fight was about cookies! Cookies!!!! More specifically was that he ate the last cookie and didn’t save any for her.
Now, as much as I can relate to someone eating the last cookie and that leading to a massive problem in a marriage that only years of counseling can fix, my first reaction was to tell the couple “If cookies are the worst of your issues, you’ll have a long, happy marriage.” I mean, really – cookies?!?!? I’ve interacted with couples that are dealing with unfaithfulness, alcoholism, and intimacy issues. But, cookies? That’s a new one…
Instead of downplaying their issue, I found myself reflecting on my own marriage. Would Consuela and I fight over cookies? Would it have to be a snickerdoodle or sugar cookie before it would start a fight? Would it matter if they were store-bought or homemade?
And then it hit me…
We DO fight over cookies! A lot. In fact, MOST of the fights we have are over cookies.
Confused yet? Let me define “cookies” for you:
Cookies = Picking where we’ll eat for dinner
Cookies = Changing diapers
Cookies = Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, running the vacuum
Cookies = Money, Children, Sex
Cookies = Anything that causes a fight but isn’t the root cause of the argument
What was true about this couple’s fight and what is true about most of the fights that me and my wife have is that what we’re fighting about or what starts the fight isn’t usually the cause of the fight. I would say that there are a few real reasons that couples fight and if we’re able to identify this before a fight starts or gets out of control, we can have a happier marriage. These reasons include:
- I’m being selfish. This is true for husbands and wives alike. We are naturally selfish and we really have to be intentional in our marriage about fight against our selfish tendencies. “Those cookies are MINE.” “I baked those cookies so I get to eat more than you.” “I have needs, I’m hungry, I haven’t eaten all day…” I think you get the idea. If we are faced with an offense, we should first pause and check our motives. Am I upset because the other person did something worthy of my anger or is it simply a case of where our own selfish wants are not being met?
- My love tank is empty. Most fights happen because of empty love tanks. I haven’t had any quality time with my spouse. I’ve not heard any words of affirmation for weeks. My spouse hasn’t served me. I’ve not received any gifts from him/her. We haven’t touched one another for too long. You see, when we aren’t being “loved,” it’s much easier for the small things (and big things too) to impact us at a much deeper level. So, it’s not actually cookies that are causing the fights, but rather my need for an encouraging word from my wife about my work or parenting, etc.
- Unmet expectations. Unmet expectations are a real “fight starter” in marriage. When we expect that our spouse will behave in a certain way (thoughtful, caring, etc.), we can be regularly disappointed. When we expect that our spouse will make a certain decision when faced with particular circumstances (disciplining our children, spending money, eating the last cookie, etc.), we can be hurt by their actual decision. When we expect that a moment (date night, vacation, etc.) will happen in a specific way, we can become disillusioned. Communicating about our expectations can alleviate the need for them to become unmet.
At the end of the day, most of the fights we have could be avoided. If we examine our motives, work diligently on filling each other’s love tanks, and communicate regularly about our expectations, we can greatly reduce the impact that eating the last cookie can have on our marriage and our relationship.
In your marriage/relationship, what’s your cookie?
Tim Parsons wears a lot of hats, but his favorites include husband, daddy, and pastor. You can find his words online in several places where he typically writes about Leadership, Marriage, and Parenting. He’s been married to the love of his life, Consuela, for over 15 years and they have 4 children. His hobbies include dipping fries in ranch dressing, correcting other’s grammar mistakes in his head, scrolling through Facebook just shaking his head, and overusing hashtags. Check out more from Tim at www.timandconsuela.com.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Mar 7, 2017 | Outreach, Technology
I am passionate about Millennials and marriage? Why? I did not come from the fairy tale story. I have seen my share of pain, disappointment and dysfunction. I am a Millennial who is part of that 50% who come from a divorced home.
I too feared marriage and when I finally met “the one,” I remember praying to God, “Please help me not screw it up.”
Just like you, I grew up hearing many fights, seeing lots of pain and catching a lot of tears. Marriage in my home was not pretty but despite all of that, I knew that it was God’s best.
So, I made the plunge and got married and in all honesty, I have never had a regret. Fortunately, Justin and I had family and mentors in our life who let us sit back and see covenantal marriage lived out. They set great examples of marriage and how it should reflect the very heart of God. The church really has an opportunity to meet a generation right where they are and BE the church.
Here are three approaches that pastors and church leaders can take that could help change the perception of marriage among the Millennial generation:
Approach Marriage Holistically
Changing Millennials perception of marriage starts with healing from the inside out. Think about it, 50% of Millennials come from divorced homes, which causes many to be simply repelled and fearful of the institution. Churches today can create a safe community that models Godly marriages and relationships that bring healing where there is brokenness.
The church should begin working with young couples as soon as love blooms while they are dating or engaged. Millennials value mentorship making it a great opportunity for the leaders to guide, support and equip these couples for successful marriages. We have seen religion fail to keep marriages together, but when there is a community of support and open communication, marriage and Godly relationships can thrive.
Approach Marriage Authentically
Did you know that church leaders are in the modeling business? Your role is to model a Godly (not perfect) marriage in an authentic way that changes the negative perception that Millennials have towards marriage.This means that you must make YOUR marriage a priority by investing in your spouse.
Take your spouse on dates, romance the heart, leave sweet notes, clean the kitchen (we call that Chore-play in our house) and keep falling in love and pursuing your spouse.
Approach Marriage Intimately
Another way to approach marriage that can help change Millennials perception is by having genuine conversations about sex and sexuality that embodies grace and truth. Sex has been perverted in the world and ignored in the church.
The church needs to talk about sex! God designed sex to be holy, pure and intimate not perverted, dirty and disingenuous. If the church does not lead in the conversation about sex than the world will.
The church must seize the moment to prepare, equip and encourage the next generation of couples for strong marriages because families matter, marriage matters, and the church can lead the way.
Jennifer Murff is the president of Millennials for Marriage. She is also a graduate of Dallas Baptist University and Regent University where she hold a Doctorate of Strategic Leadership with an emphasis on strategic foresight focusing on millennials and the future of marriage at Regent University’s School of Business and Leadership.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Jan 17, 2017 | Resources
by Jonathon Mitchell
You just downloaded your first MarriedPeople Larger Group Experience from the Strategy Pack Holy smokes, there’s a lot of stuff in here! We’ve been putting on Large Group environments for a few years with MarriedPeople. The first thing that I liked about the curriculum was that it fit with the overall Orange Strategy that two combined influences (Church + Family) make a greater impact than just two influences. One of the things that we’ve learned from Orange is that what happens at home is more important than what happens at church. This includes marriages, and we realized we couldn’t ignore this incredibly important relationship, anymore.
So, if you’re ready to launch a Larger Group event, here’s a quick overall run-through of how we plan out our Large Group Night Out Events.
1 Month Out
- Schedule our host couple and send them their script
- Schedule our teacher for the evening (Watch the teaching video and make the call—can this be pulled off live with excellence or would showing the video be better for our couples?)
- Coordinate with our food/snack people. Give them the theme of the evening and turn them loose (remember, think guy-friendly—one of our last Night Out events was a campfire theme including beef jerky, s’mores, and buffalo flavored popcorn).
- Schedule our tech team members (lights, sound, Computer Graphics)
- Announcement from weekend service stage 4-weeks out—usually showing the promo video
- Bulletin, email and announcement screen graphics with event details
- Include details about the Large Group gathering in MarriedPeople Monthly
3 Weeks Out
- A post on social media promoting the event.
2 Weeks Out
- Create the schedule in Planning Center (or scheduling spreadsheet)—scheduling hosts, teachers, tech.
- Another social media post—both from church and personally.
- Second announcement from stage telling them what they’ll experience that night. (Let them know the night is guy-friendly a.ka. no mush.)
- Schedule Pre-Production meeting with Hosts/Teachers/Tech
Week Of
- Assemble the computer graphics in our worship presentation software (ProPresenter, Easyworship, Media Shout, etc.)
- Social Media posts and reminders
Day Of
- Morning of: Social Media reminders
- 2 Hours to Event: Set up crew sets up
- 1.5 Hours to Event: Pizza for set up crew, hosts, teacher, and tech delivered
- 1 Hour to Event: Pre-Production run-through of Planning Center (or schedule spreadsheet)
Our Night Out Events happen on Saturday nights every quarter, but yours can be on whatever night works best for the married couples in your community.
Making great events starts with great prep-work. Giving couples the opportunity to be out of the house, to laugh, be around other couples and ultimately to connect with one another is a big deal.
But don’t be intimidated by the idea, with a little prep work and all the resources MarriedPeople provides, youll be able to help couples connect with a fun night out that will have a big impact. You can do this!
Jonathon Mitchell has served as an Executive Pastor, and lives with his wife and two kids in Missouri.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Jan 17, 2017 | Outreach
by Scott Kedersha
Life for newlyweds is full of new beginnings, opportunities, and decisions. They face questions and decisions surrounding education, debt, houses, cars, and growing families. There probably isn’t another season in marriage when a couple is faced with as many major decisions—especially with the added factor that they are learning how to work together. And because of that, one of the best ways to help newlyweds is to help them learn how to make those choices.
The problem we most often see in the newly married decision-making process is that newlyweds tend to make decisions without consulting or factoring in anything or anyone. Some of them buy the most expensive house they qualify for, go into debt to buy a new car, and fail to involve others in job decisions and other major life decisions.
God’s Word is full of wisdom on making decisions. If you lead newly married couples, you can help them to navigate the choices in front of them by asking them three key, practical questions:
(1) What biblical wisdom guides your decision-making process?
James 3:17 says: But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere (ESV).
Contrast the wisdom from above in James 3:17 with the earthly wisdom from James 3:13-16. While you will not find a direct answer on which house you should buy, the date you should try conceiving your first child, or the color of your new car, God’s Word will provide you with the principles you need to make a decision.
(2) What is the collective counsel of your community?
Proverbs 11:14 says: Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety (ESV).
Whenever you face a significant decision, what does your community—the people you do life with—say? As you lead newlyweds, make sure you point them towards community before finalizing the decision. (And hopefully they are surrounded by wise friends, not fools. See Proverbs 13:20.)
(3) What factors are driving your decisions?
Romans 12:2 says: Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (ESV).
What is the motive for your decision? Are you trying to keep up with your friends and comparing yourself to what others have as opposed to being content? Even though I am years beyond my newly married season, I know I still struggle with comparing my stuff with others. Comparison is a thief that robs us of joy. Do not allow comparison, people-pleasing, or a desire to fit in drive your decision-making process.
Remember: newlyweds are in a new season of life! They are adjusting to life together instead of life on their own. As you lead newly married couples in the midst of making major decision after major decision, guide them by helping them follow biblical wisdom, listen to the collective counsel of wise community, and discern the major factors/motives driving their decision-making process.
Scott Kedersha is the Director of Merge, the Premarital Ministry at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas. Scott is married to Kristen, has four boys, and blogs on marriage and premarried relationships at ScottKedersha.com. Follow Scott on Twitter @skedersha
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
