by Guest Writer | Aug 15, 2017 | Technology, Training
by Matt Engel
Marriage Ministry can often be based on our best guess as church leaders. After all we understand the married people in our church and community, right? Maybe. But what if we don’t?
While on staff at Mission Community Church in Gilbert, AZ, we decided to take a more calculated and targeted approach.
As we researched the community’s desires and demographics, we gained data that drastically impacted our approach. One of the top things the data uncovered was that the average age was 39—and our ministry was not reaching our target group. Our research also unearthed that marriage was the top priority in the community and that marriage was the key topic that could draw unbelievers to our church. The unchurched didn’t want to come to church to know God, but they did want to gain practical advice for their marriage. What a staggering statistic!
So the first task for our marriage ministry was to scale and sustain a ministry to meet this opportunity. The philosophy behind everything we created was offering the right couple the right information at the right time. Our previous approaches towards pre-marriage, enrichment, and crisis were only hitting a minority of our church and community.
As we continued to measure and improve couples’ marriage health, we could cultivate continued buy-in and not worry about who was engaging because we were constantly adjusting our model to continually improve.
GETTING FEEDBACK
One of the easiest things we did was send out a survey to over 750 couples who attended our DateNightPhx event, and asked everyone for a ranking of environment, content, and current health of relationship. This was the quantitative side. Then we also asked for personal stories. The feedback we got off this began the cascade of changes we implemented in other areas of our ministry.
For example, we had people say that they didn’t want to be separated from their spouses when going through courses, and they wanted to have more fun versus feeling beat up. They wanted a little content, but more fun. That is why we decided to go with a 51% fun, 49% content in our efforts.
Throughout all of our programming, we asked people who were both in and out of the church what they wanted or thought and delivered on that, instead of forcing something they didn’t want to happen. We tried to find out WHAT they wanted to happen and helped make THAT happen—and stopped assuming we knew it all.
LIVING IN THE UNKNOWNS
This means we had to be willing to live in unknown unknowns. Let me explain. Picture a pie chart with three basic categories: the smallest piece on the chart is the KNOWN KNOWNS—for example, I KNOW my eyes are green.
The next piece slightly larger is the KNOWN UNKNOWNS, for example, I KNOW I DO NOT KNOW how to perform brain surgery.
The largest piece of the pie and maybe the most important is the UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS. An example of this is our willingness to listen, learn, and adapt as we begin to fill this piece of pie.
When we live in the UNKNOWN of UNKNOWNS, it frees us up from locking into one pattern! This piece of pie is where true learners live, and the investigation and constant monitoring and tweaking for continued improvements happens.
Don’t force or expect everyone to be in the same boat nor have the same desire. Leverage an approach that includes constant feedback and room for adjustments. Understanding who our people are and providing vision and direction is the one constant. People want to be known and empowered.
Matt Engel formerly worked as a Senior Director at Arizona State University, and then as Marriage Pastor at Mission Community Church in Phoenix, AZ. Matt is currently the Executive Vice President of Operations and Data Intelligence at Relationship Enrichment Collaborative.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Aug 8, 2017 | Faith
by Ted Cunningham
On the second Sunday morning of every month, our church teaches on marriage and family. The goal is to inspire singles, spouses, and parents with a healthy view of marriage and family by taking personal responsibility for their lives. We call it Twoignite Sunday and use 3 words to guide the messaging: honor, enjoy, and prioritize.
Honor – Hebrews 13:4 states: Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral (NIV). At first glance, we tend to focus on the marriage bed kept pure. To do so overlooks the clear teaching that each of us must lift high the institution of marriage. Honor decides. It makes a decision to esteem as highly valuable. God did not ordain marriage to be a miserable weight you wear your entire adult life to bring you closer to Him. Our goal with honor is to paint a beautiful and desirable picture of marriage and family for every single person in our congregation.
Enjoy – Ecclesiastes 9:7-9 says: Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun (NIV).
Life is difficult, yes, and you do not have complete control over the events and circumstances that life throws at you. However, you decide whether or not to enjoy each other. You can’t escape the grind, but for goodness sake, do not turn your spouse into the grinder. God did not give me my spouse as part of the grind. God gave you your spouse to go through the grind together. You do not have to choose between life and a spouse. You can enjoy life with your spouse in the midst of the grind.
Prioritize – In the midst of the grind, you must prioritize your marriage in the home. The kid-centered home is not good for you, your marriage, or the kids. Genesis 2:24 is a parenting and marriage verse that prioritizes marriage: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. The bond between husband and wife is glue-like and meant to be permanent this side of heaven. That is not the bond we have with our children. Your children will not be with you forever, so start planning and preparing for their departure sooner rather than later.
A question I get asked quite often at our church is, Ted, are you not concerned, being a church that talks about marriage so much, that you are going to marginalize people? That is a fair question and deserves an honest answer. Every time we talk about marriage and family we speak to three people in the application of the message. Our church desires to encourage singles, enrich spouses and equip parents.
Encourage Singles
We desire to paint a beautiful picture of marriage for singles. We want them to see marriage as normative. We want them to not be afraid of it. For many singles, they come from a broken home and a healthy marriage was not modeled for them. We long for singles to esteem marriage as highly valuable. We want singles to understand also that they are backup singers to the duets all around them. We want singles to hear that their single friend is now engaged and not respond with, Are you sure? Don’t ruin your life right now, so early. Slow down, take your time.
Enrich Spouses
Couples need to regularly hear that you do not need to choose between life and a spouse. You can enjoy both at the same time. Marital satisfaction involves skills and factors couples can do something about. Regular marriage and family teaching reminds couples that marriage takes daily decisions to move closer to and not away from each other.
Equipping Parents
Topics such as compatibility, the kid-centered home, enjoying marriage, sexual intimacy, differences, and communication equip parents to disciple their children for future relationships and marriage. We seek to give mom and dad tools and conversation guides to help them be the first authors of their child’s heart. Relationship formation starts at home.
Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love as well as co-author of four books with Dr. Gary Smalley: The Language of Sex, From Anger to Intimacy, Great Parents, Lousy Lovers and As Long as We Both Shall Live. Ted and his wife, Amy, have been married for 17 years and live in Branson with their two children, Corynn and Carson.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Jul 18, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
I believe the hardest thing about being a leader in the church is the island I am put on by the people of our church as a ministry family, and as a ministry married couple. There are not very many people I can be brutally honest with and unapologetic about the hard stuff I deal with.
It’s hard to find someone that can really relate to the spiritual weight Jeff and I carry, or what its like to lead in the church. It is an honorable calling from God that can leave me feeling lonely real quick! As I have talked to many couples and wives about leadership in the church, this issue seems to hit the hardest and its the sneakiest.
I am surrounded by people all day long. Talking and praying, planning and caring for, meeting and greeting, hugging and mentoring each and every day. People are our “business.” How in the world can I feel alone when it’s hard to even find a place daily to be alone?
It’s why I so strongly believe that as leaders in the church we need to be seriously intentional about finding safe people in our lives that we can be honest with about ministry and the craziness of our calling.
Jeff and I have been married for 16 years and both of us have been serving in ministry for even more years than that. This wonderful ideal of having safe people in our lives did not happen overnight. It has been years of trial and error. Many friendships over the years have evolved into beautiful wonderful people in our lives, but still they cannot provide the “safety” I am talking about. And some friendships when testing these waters of safety fall right off a cliff or send people running for the mountains—and right out of our lives and out of our church. It’s painful to say the least.
We have been so bold to even tell people, “Being friends with us is dangerous. You will see how your pastor really lives and acts. Church will become messy for you and probably not picture perfect (if it ever was). Can you handle that?”
It’s been prayerful years, begging God for safe people whom I can be real with, cry with, yell with, and belly laugh with. I need friendships that will call me out, and keep me accountable, push back at me when I’m off my rocker, speak into my marriage when it’s heading the wrong direction, help me with parenting my non-perfect-pastor-kids. Friends who can see the mess of the church and love it even more! Friends like this are a diamond in the desert.
I am blessed with many wonderful friends, but just a small few who can walk with me through the landmine fields of ministry, who are brave enough and strong enough to see and accept my imperfections as a pastor’s wife and the imperfect church we work in. Someone who will keep trudging and celebrating with us day after day. I have a friend like this, and keeps me alive and able to love ministry. God has sent me this gem of a human and her husband and family to love us unconditionally in ministry.
Not only do these safe people need to be amazing and accepting, I have to be willing to be vulnerable, real and authentic. Can I do that? As a pastor’s wife, it’s easy to believe I am pretty awesome because other people seem to naturally think that about me and our family just because of our role in the church. It’s a trap!
To begin to act or believe that I may be even one degree more “together” than the people who attend my church, is a lie! God did not choose my husband and our family to lead His church because we are smarter, braver, more spiritual, more Bible thumping, more patient, more graceful, more loving, more prayerful, etc. than anyone else!
I DO NOT KNOW WHY HE CHOOSES TO USE US! More realistic, He probably roped us in because we didn’t know what we were in for! Many days if I knew what I was in for being a pastor’s wife, I would have jumped off a cliff myself rather than say yes to this calling!! It’s hard. Period.
Safe friends are essential. We were not meant to live alone and especially not meant to lead alone.
Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor and now the lead pastor of a church. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with three kids. Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Apr 18, 2017 | Leadership, Outreach
by Adam Roberson
Do you ever look at your spouse and remember what it felt like to fall in love with them? Remember what it was like to feel your whole world light up when they called and to feel those little butterflies swooping through your stomach at just the thought of them walking through the door? It’s an amazing feeling. The question is, what happened to it?
What happened to the light headed happiness that only comes from spending time with your best friend in the entire world?
Life happened.
Bills happened.
Jobs happened.
Kids happened.
Responsibility happened.
And all those necessary, and even wonderful, things pulled just a little bit more of your attention towards their call and away from the love and bond you share with your spouse. What was once new and novel became habit and you began to take the one you love most for granted.
Chances are, this is the reality of many of your parents and volunteers who walk through the doors of your church every week. The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to focus your time and energy on the marriages involved. When you have healthy marriages, you have healthy family ministry environments.
We are constantly trying to find way to build healthy marriages. Whether it’s through quarterly Date Nights, one night events, or small group studies, we are encouraging couples to connect.
We value marriage and believe it provides us will not only healthy environments, but healthy couples who lead in those environments week by week.
The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to figure how you can incorporate healthy marriages in your environments.
What are some things your church is doing to impact the marriages of the families involved in your ministries?
Adam Roberson is the Director of Family Ministry and Married Life at Rock Point Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Adam and his wife Monica were married in 2006 and have three children, Jackson, Beckham and Evelyn.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Apr 11, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
by Carey Nieuwhof
Almost all of us lead in at least two areas of our lives: at work and at home.
Personally, I’ve been a husband to Toni for 24 years, a dad for 22 years (raising two pretty amazing sons—ages 22 and 18), and a church leader for 19 years (this week!). All of them have been incredibly rewarding. And each of them has had its challenges. And each area has had its temptations.
But if you’re a church leader, you probably also realize there are unique challenges to leading at church and leading at home. And some unique temptations.
I could probably list a lot more than five temptations, but these are the five I either find myself talking to church leaders about most, or think I should talk to church leaders about more. And they’re the five I’ve felt or experienced.
1. You’ll be tempted to lead better at work than at home.
I know lots of people talk about how important is to lead at home, but let’s be honest. It’s just easier to lead at church.
I think this is especially true for male leaders. There is some truth to the fact that men crave respect, and it’s generally easy to get respect at work. Easier, at least, than it is to earn respect.
When you come home drained at the end of the day, it’s easy to think you can just coast or even receive.
But you can’t.
Love is about giving more than it is about getting. It’s about serving, not being served. And key to a healthy marriage and family life are spouses and parents who serve, who love, who give.
I think many church leaders are tempted to work harder on leadership at church than they are on their leadership at home. And yet if your homelife dissolves, you lose so much. In ministry, it often means you step back from what you’ve worked so hard to create.
One day you will retire from work. But you will never retire from family.
2. You’ll be tempted to engineer your child’s life.
In the same way that almost every parent is tempted to engineer their child’s life from choosing a career, as a church leader, there’s pressure to want to engineer your child’s faith life.
I have said it many times over. I want nothing more than for my children to be in a vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ.
And you can be tempted to try to make that happen. You certainly can and should influence their decision. After all, you are the greatest influence in your child’s life. But you can’t make them love God.
Think back to your own journey. There was a point at which you believed, and then didn’t, and then believed again. A time where you questioned anything. But at the end of the journey, you embraced your heavenly Father freely.
Sometimes God seems more okay with letting people taking their own journey than we do.
Your kids have their own journey. Help them take it. But don’t try to take it for them.
3. You’ll be tempted to give your kids no private space to make mistakes.
Your kids aren’t perfect (neither are you for that matter). They’re going to make mistakes.
But when they do, you won’t know what to do. In fact you might start telling people about it. Please don’t. I mean maybe talk to your best friend or trusted advisor. But please give your kids space to make mistakes privately.
The gossip mill is terrible. The last thing your 14 year old needs is a hundred eyes staring at her on the Sunday after the Friday she messed up. Protect your child’s dignity.
I wince inside when parents tell me they have three kids two of whom are walking with the Lord and one of whom isn’t.
First of all, do you really know that? And secondly, even if you did, why are you telling me that
—or anyone outside of your inner circle?
Sure, I understand those parents might be speaking out of their pain or out of their fear
, but really, pray about it more than you talk about it.
And build a relational bridge to your kids. Talking about them like that when they are not in the room is not the best way to start that. Love them unconditionally.
Love attracts. Judgment alienates.
4. You will be tempted to want your family to do well for your sake, not theirs.
The pressure we put on family can be too intense at times for everyone’s sake.
You will be tempted to want your kids to do well not for their sake, but for yours. Resist that.
When you’re tempted to want your kids and family to do well not just for their sake, but for yours, it’s almost always tied to pride. Your pride. My pride.
It’s sinful, but easy, to be more concerned about your reputation than you are concerned for them.
This is true when your kids succeed as well as when they fail.
If you’re posting every single accomplishment of your kids to Facebook, you should eventually look in the mirror and ask whether that’s really about them or whether it’s about you.
5. You’ll be tempted to let your marriage slide—
but at least you’re not divorced, right?
One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a great marriage.
I have heard it said numerous times (and believe)—kids need you to know you love each other even more than they need to know you love them. When you don’t love each other, it creates an insecurity in them.
Far too many couples today overfocus on their kids and underfocus on each other.
It’s just too easy to let your marriage slide and focus on the kids and on work, but that’s a mistake.
Why? You’ll drift apart. You’ll want to be served rather than to serve. And eventually, your spouse will no longer see Christ in you. You may not get divorced, but you have little to celebrate or enjoy. And everyone will suffer for it, including you. And especially your kids. Plus your church and community.
And please don’t go on about how awesome you are at church and how capable you are there (having tried that, I promise you, it’s a dead end).
When your spouse can’t see Christ in you, it matters little what others think they can see in you.
And isn’t home the ultimate test anyway? It’s always hardest at home. Because people see through it all and see who you really are. Conversely, when you work on your character and faith at home, it will spill out into every other area of your life.
The good news is no matter where you’re at, there’s hope.
Toni and I went through a very difficult season in our marriage. Having come through to the other side, there is so much to celebrate. Today, our marriage isn’t perfect, but it is amazing.
A great marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your kids, and your congregation. Not to mention yourself and each other.
Those are the five temptations I’ve experienced in ministry and life. What about you?
Any temptations you’ve experienced navigating church and home as a leader?
(reposted with permission from https://careynieuwhof.com)
Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.
He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth. Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner. He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam. He blogs at www.careynieuwhof.com and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
