by Tim Parsons | May 2, 2017 | Leadership, Training
by Tim Parsons
I’m not sure about you, but I am a life-long learner. I’m not sure where I picked it up or inherited it from, but I am constantly looking for more information on how to lead better. I read books and blogs, I attend conferences, and I meet and talk with other leaders who can teach me new things.
And although all of those will help me grow, it seems as though the growth I see from it is incremental. It’s small. It takes a long time to get good at the principles I learn and it can even have no real, immediate impact on my leadership.
But, there’s one way that I’ve found that almost always leads to growth in leadership. One way that often has an immediate and lasting impact on the way that I lead. The downsize, though, is that it’s unfortunate. It’s not easy. It can lead me to want to walk away from it all and question my ability as a leader altogether.
What is it? PAIN.
The pain of leadership hurts. The pain of leadership can hit you right where it hurts the worst. The pain of leadership can break you and knock the wind out of you. The pain of leadership is not for the faint of heart.
Think back to the last time you felt pain in your leadership. Perhaps it was a time where someone misunderstood something you said and they were deeply offended. Or, a new initiative that you were excited about completely flopped. Maybe a time when you let someone down – an employee, a peer, your spouse, a customer.
In each of those painful leadership moments, there’s an opportunity to grow as a leader…if you’ll allow it. Sure, you can dismiss it quickly or you can even run from it like the plague. But, I think there’s something there for you and you should find it.
And here’s the point of it all, I have found time and time again that every time I’ve let someone down, made a mistake, failed miserably, or experienced any kind of pain in leadership, I’ve not only grown from that experience, but the growth has been lasting, quick, and meaningful. I would say that learning from the pain of leadership is better than any college degree.
The next time that you experience the pain of leadership, which path will you choose – run from it or grow from it? The choice is really yours. I want to encourage you to find the growth that comes from this very unfortunate part of leadership.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.
Tim Parsons wears a lot of hats, but his favorites include husband, daddy, and Lead Pastor at The Journey Church in Avon, IN. You can find his words online in several places where he typically writes about Leadership, Marriage, and Parenting. He’s been married to the love of his life, Consuela, for over 15 years and they have 4 children. His hobbies include dipping fries in ranch dressing, correcting other’s grammar mistakes in his head, scrolling through Facebook just shaking his head, and overusing hashtags. Check out more from Tim at www.timparsons.me and www.timandconsuela.com.
by Ted Lowe | Apr 27, 2017 | Training
Orange Conference 2017- Breakout Notes
MARRIAGE MINISTRY: YOUR TOUGHEST AUDIENCES – SINGLES, MILLENNIALS & MILITARY
Breakout Notes for Thursday, April 27th 3:00 pm – 4:00 pm
Speaker: Ted Lowe
One of my dearest friends in the marriage ministry space often asks me the same, great question: “What new thing do you have rolling around in your head to help marriages?” Lately it hasn’t been just one thing, it’s been three, yet under one category: Tough Audiences.
While marriage ministry has become much more relevant over the past few years, there are a few groups that I think need and deserve more focus from church leaders. These three groups are singles, millennials, and the military.
WHAT ABOUT SINGLES?
Tension: Many church leaders fear that empowering married people will marginalize single people.
Truth:
Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body (1 Corinthians 12:15-16 NIV).
As it is, there are many parts, but one body (1 Corinthians 12:20 NIV).
“Marriage is a duet in need of great back-up singers.” —Ted Cunningham
Application: Because marriage is important to everyone, marriage ministry should include everyone.
• Allow everyone to learn about marriage
• Allow everyone to serve marriages
Dream: For the local church to include and equip singles to be marriage champions.
WHAT ABOUT MILLENNIALS?
Tension: We don’t know what it was like to be a millennial, because we don’t know what it was like to grow up as a millennial.
Truth: Know well the condition of your flocks, And pay attention to your herds (Proverbs 27:23 NIV).
Top 5 Priorities of Millennials (according to the Pew Research Center)
- Being a good parent
- Having a successful marriage
- Helping others in need
- Owning a home
- Living a religious life/Having a high-paying career (tied)
Application: Because marriage matters to millennials, the church can matter to millennials.
- Give them what they can’t have instantly: strength of relationship.
- Give them what they can’t see instantly: authenticity.
Dream: For millennials to find Christ because they found the local church is FOR their marriage.
WHAT ABOUT MILITARY MARRIAGES?
Tension: Military marriages have unique challenges that many churches aren’t equipped to help.
- They are required to turn off emotions
- PCS (“Permanent” Change of Station)
- Communication
- Reintegration
Truth:
In that way, the parts of the body will not take sides. All of them will take care of one another. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part shares in its joy (1 Corinthians 12:25-26 NIV).
Application: Serve those who have served us.
- Include military marriages in the message and application
- Fill in the gaps while service men and women are deployed
- Before, during, and after deployment, provide dates and conversation starters
- Before, during, and after deployment, support military marriages as couples and as individuals
Dream: For military marriages to find Christ because they found the local church is FOR their marriage.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Apr 27, 2017 | Training
Orange Conference 2017- Breakout Notes
THE MARRIEDPEOPLE STRATEGY: WHYS AND HOWS
Thursday, April 27th 10:45 -11:45am
Speakers: Ted Lowe, Heather Matarazzo, and Josh Fortney
I. APPROACHES TO MARRIAGE MINISTRY THAT FALL SHORT
- THE HANDS-OFF APPROACH: Many churches do little to help marriages because of the pace of ministry or because they don’t feel a need.
- THE TOPICAL APPROACH: Some churches view marriage as a topic to be covered, so they address it through various “one-offs”—a sermon series, a study, an event, or a book.
- THE REACTIONARY APPROACH: Other churches spend time and resources on marriage, but they focus solely on couples in crisis—in essence, waiting until marriages are in trouble before offering help, rather than taking a proactive approach that could help couples avoid crisis in the first place.
II. A PROACTIVE, STRATEGIC APPROACH
- A PROACTIVE APPROACH: A proactive approach—a strategy—is more effective than a topical or reactionary approach.
- PARADIGM SHIFTS: Changing from one of these historical marriage ministry approaches to a proactive approach requires some paradigm shifts. It requires moving:
- From an intervention to prevention
Intervention is emotional and the results are measurable.
Prevention is neither—but is far superior.
- From children’s ministry to family ministry
- From isolation to relationship
- From information to experience
- From feminine to feminine and masculine
- From general to focused
- From programs to process
- THE MARRIEDPEOPLE STRATEGY: Because marriage is a process, the MarriedPeople Strategy is designed to encourage and empower couples on a consistent basis––no matter where they are in their marriages. This shift is what makes MarriedPeople a proactive approach, not a topical or reactionary one. It leverages three environments to reach couples:Individual Couple Experiences (dates and monthly emails designed to help couples connect)
Small Group Experiences (community, accountability, faith building)
Larger Group Experiences (vision casting, outreach, inspiration)
III. GET STARTED: PRACTICAL OPTIONS LEADERS CAN IMPLEMENT IMMEDIATELY
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Apr 26, 2017 | Training
Orange Conference 2017- Breakout Notes
MarriedPeople INTERACTIVE
Wednesday, April 26th 3:00-4:15pm
Speakers: Todd Graham (@Toddgraham83) & Ted Lowe (@tedlowe)
INDIVIDUAL COUPLES
DATE NIGHTS
Why Date Nights?
- Date nights are what couples have asked for and understand
- Date nights help couples laugh
- Date nights help couples affirm each other
- Date nights help couples know each other
- Date nights give couples relational wins
How To’s
- On-Site pick up
Pros
Cons
Childcare
- Online download
Pros
Cons
Childcare
- On-Site pick up And Online download combo
Pros
Cons
- Childcare
5 Things That Will Make or Break Your Individual Couple Experiences
- Promotion
- Male and Female friendly: promo and presentation
- Step-by-Step Instructions
- Childcare
- Follow Up: email reminders, posters, promote the rest of the strategy.
MarriedPeople Monthly
SMALL GROUPS
Why Small Groups?
- Small Groups create community
- Small Groups promote accountability
- Small Groups stimulate faith
How To’s
- Start One
- Be Flexible
- Highlight One
6 Things That Will Make or Break Your Small Group Experiences
- Promotion
- Reluctant but willing leaders.
- The time factor
- The guy factor
- Easy Application
Show an example of an exercise
- Follow-Up
LARGER GROUP EXPERIENCES
Whys?
- Larger Group Experiences help to elevate marriage
- Larger Group Experiences help normalize struggle and hope
- Larger Group Experiences an opportunity to promote laugher and fun
- Larger Group Experiences make it easier to be male (and female) friendly
- Larger Group Experiences create a platform for a relevant message
- Larger Group Experiences give you opportunities to promote next steps
- Larger Group Experiences are great for outreach
How To’s
- One-night events
- Weekend retreats (away from church)
- Weekend retreats (at church)
- Sunday services
6 Things That Will Make or Break Your Large Group Experiences
- Promotion
- Look and Feel
- Transitions
- Hosts
- Choosing live or video teaching
- Follow-Up
Check out the MarriedPeople Annual Strategy Pack at https://marriedpeople.org/strategypack
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Apr 26, 2017 | Training
Orange Conference 2017- Breakout Notes
USING ONE-NIGHT EVENTS TO REACH YOUR NEIGHBORS
Wednesday, April 26th 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
Speakers: Ted Lowe & Matt Engle
In 2001, we started creating quarterly, one-night marriage events at our church. I knew one of our biggest hurdles would be to make the event appealing to the men of our church. Notice, I said the men of our church, emphasis on church. Because I never dreamed that a marriage event would be a good place for our regular attenders to invite their non-church going or non-believing family, friends, and neighbors . . . especially if they happen to be male. Why? Because, typically, it’s men who don’t want to talk about their marriages.
But as church leaders, we shouldn’t be too quick to judge men for their lack of want to. One study showed that marriage ministry is perceived as boring, outdated, and preachy. When that’s the case, why would men want to attend? That study is about 10 years old, and for the last decade, I have watched church leaders from all over the country change how they approach marriage ministry. The unexpected benefit: people who they never dreamed would come to their church, come to their church. Why?
Two main reasons:
- People told me countless times that it is easier to ask someone to a “marriage thing” on Saturday night, than to Sunday morning church.
- People don’t have to love Jesus to want their marriage to work. So people’s desire to have a better, good or even great marriage, often trumps many of their hesitancies about church.
When you combine those two powerful reasons with a great marriage event at your church, you can often have a great impact on the marriages of church AND your community. Here are six ways to make marriage events the best entry point into your church.
1) Think non-believer. As you share what the Bible has to say about marriage, remember not everyone knows the Bible. They may have never heard phrases like, “two becoming one.”
2) Think feminine AND masculine. Ask yourself each step of the way, “Will our marketing and programming appeal to women AND men?”
3) Think fun. Nothing disarms a crowd like humor, so use humor but keep it classy.
4) Think less for more. Often when you teach less, people learn more.
5) Think application. Help people to easily practice the biblical principle you presented at your event. Give couples just one go and do they can actually do.
6) Think, now what? Many marriage events are filled with five years worth of content with no, “now whats.” What if you flipped this on its head by giving couples one principle with one application and many “now-whats,” like the date of your next event, date night ideas, small groups, counseling, etc.
I never dreamed marriage events would be the best place to invite a 34-year-old man who hadn’t been to church since he was 12, but the attendees at my church schooled me on that one. In this case at least, I love it when I’m wrong.
To see how churches are living out these two reasons and six ways, go to MarriedPeople Leaders to join our closed Facebook page for church leaders. Yes, it’s a closed group, but ask to join and we will let you in.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Apr 26, 2017 | Training
Orange Conference 2017: Breakout Notes
OUR BEST US
Breakout Notes for Wednesday, April 26th 9:30 am – 10:30 am
Speaker: Ted Lowe
So what does it take to have a great marriage?
- Hard work?
- Compatibility?
- Chemistry?
- Communication?
While there is truth in all of the above, perhaps we have over-estimated all four. After 15 years of working with married couples I think we have bought into the following myth: great marriages take great chemistry, compatibility, hard work and communication—or a mysterious combination thereof.
And while the answers to what it takes to have a great marriage can be confusing, there is one thing that is not. It’s the damage of what I call the For ME Mindset, which asks a powerful question.
Is this marriage working for me?
The For Me Mindset leads many people to put divorce on the table as an option. And while we unfortunately all know someone who had no choice but divorce, for most couples, it is not the right or best option. And Jesus was clear when He was asked if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife. He responded with . . .
“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:6-9 NIV).
The abuse of this passage leads some Christians to not treat their spouse the way they deserve, because they know their spouse doesn’t believe in divorce. But the heart of this passage leads to a different, better mindset that asks a better question.
What am I doing to make this marriage work?
That is a For US Mindset. This is powerful way in which to view every area of your marriage. Perhaps the most powerful thing it does is that it requires us to take divorce off the table.
But how do we make it a habit?
Choose one area in your marriage to view through the grid of the For US Mindset . . .
What am I doing to make this marriage work?
Give a try for one week, then let us know how it works!
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
