My ninth year as Director of Premarital Ministry was my best year ever. Our ministry grew like crazy. We were having a impact in both our church and in the community.
Then came my tenth year in ministry.
Our leadership team gave me the opportunity to increase my leadership capacity. The downside would be leaving the job I loved in the marriage ministry. After much prayer and consideration, I accepted the offer.
Seven months after taking on the new role, I moved back to marriage ministry. Outside looking in, it might have appeared as though I failed. But these job transitions have been among the best things that have ever happened to me. In the process, I learned a few things about myself:
1. I’m a better soldier than a general
In other words, I am better at executing a plan than directing and crafting the plan. Give me a direction and I’ll execute the heck out of it, but Im more wired for others to direct the course. In my moments of insecurity, I somehow believe the general is more valuable in God’s eyes than the soldier.
While the world and the church may more highly esteem the general, God values each one. He loves us all the same and doesn’t value one ministry role more than the other. Looking for evidence? See the cross. Romans 5:8 says: But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. There is no distinction: equal need for a Savior, equal recipients of His love.
2. I learned how I’m wired
I like going deep in one area of ministry (marriage) rather than going wide and less deep. Rather than leading a large slice of the pie, I do better with one narrow (yet highly significant) sliver of the pie.
I’d rather lead one area up close than many areas from a distance. No one grows up wanting to be a marriage pastor, but I am so thankful this is the area I get to serve and use my gifts.
3. I gained a better respect for those different than me
I learned to respect the skill set required for senior pastors, campus pastors, or ministry directors who lead multiple, large teams. I relearned that God gives different gifts to different people for different purposes, but all for His glory and for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:4-7).
I was reminded that God chooses for some to be an ear, some to be a foot, and some to be the colon. All are necessary for the body to function in the way He desires and designs.
4. I learned this all could change in the future
I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point down the road, I move to another role, either as a campus pastor or maybe even another job at another church. I sure hope not, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
I hope I’m not the same person in five years that I am right now. I pray God will continue to grow and sanctify me in whatever way He wishes.
Ask Yourself These Questions
Shifting gears to you: How are you wired? What are your gifts? Are you in your sweet spot in leadership? Ask yourself some honest questions:
Do you think some gifts are more valuable than others?
Do you covet a role higher in the org chart?
If so, is it for the right reasons (because it fits your gifts and skills) or for the wrong reasons (more money, more power, more worldly esteem)?
Are you being faithful where you are right now or are you waiting for the next opportunity to come your way?
Ask others you work with if they think youre in the right spot. Ask your boss for his or her thoughts on your ministry sweet spot. Ask how you can grow, and when they respond, be teachable, humble and dont be defensive. If you’re married, ask your spouse the same questions you asked your boss. Again, don’t be defensive!
In retrospect, I don’t think I should have changed roles. I don’t like change, and the last year has been a year with a fair amount of transition. But, I have learned much in the process and I have gained a much greater perspective on how the Lord has fearfully and wonderfully made and designed me.
Scott Kedersha is the director of marriage ministry at Watermark Community Church, where he has served on the marriage team for more than 12 years where they seek to prepare nearlyweds, establish newlyweds, and enrich and restore all marriages. His first book, Ready or Knot: 12 Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have before Marriage came out with Baker Books on February 2019. Scott lives in the Dallas area with his wife and four sons. Learn more at www.scottkedersha.com.
I’ve been working in marriage ministry for a few years now. Actually, it’s over fifteen. And I’ve been married for over twenty years. In that time, I’ve learned a few things about how churches can help couples improve their marriage.
Studies show that people think of marriage ministry as preachy, boring, outdated, and overly feminine.
We’ve lost our relevance in people’s lives. But thankfully, there are some shifts happening in some ministries that are changing how they approach marriage ministry.
3 Approaches that Fall Short
Before we get into the ways to improve how your church approaches marriage, let’s take a quick look at the trends that do not work.
The Hands Off Approach: Many churches do little to help marriages because of the pace of ministry or because they don’t feel a need.
The Topical Approach: Some churches view marriage as a topic to be covered, so they address it through various “one-offs”—a sermon series, a study, an event or a book. They treat marriage ministry like a task on a to-do list.
The Reactionary Approach: Other churches spend time and resources on marriage, but they focus solely on couples in crisis—in essence, waiting until marriages are in trouble before offering help, rather than taking a proactive approach that could help couples avoid crises in the first place.
A Proactive, Strategic Approach
A proactive approach—a strategy—is more effective than a topical or reactionary approach. Changing from one of these historical marriage ministry approaches to a proactive approach requires some paradigm shifts.
From an intervention to prevention : Intervention is emotional and the results are measurable. Prevention is neither—but is far superior.
From isolation to relationship : Technology makes people feel more isolated than ever before. A strategy ministry places a priority on building community and authentic relationships. Not just between couples, but with others that we can learn and grow from.
From information to experience : As a society, we’re suffering from information overload. As a result, people value experience more than another content dump. That’s why it’s important to give people less content, more often.
From feminine to both feminine and masculine: Too many marriage ministries are geared almost exclusively at women. They’re overly harsh on men, who stop listening as a result. We can improve more marriages if we appeal to both men and women.
From general to focused: Sharing an overly general message doesn’t resonate with people. Getting specific with examples and practical applications makes a message relevant to couples. They want to hear authentic stories they can understand and use in their marriage.
From programs to process: Marriage retreats are great—but they give couples a year’s worth of resources in a weekend. That’s a lot to process and they often forget what they learned after a week. Why not give them bite-sized pieces of advice spread out through an entire year? Help them process and progress gradually.
I actually did a webinar about this very topic on our Facebook Leader’s group. You can watch the whole thing here and join the group to watch future webinars live.
How Our Strategy is Proactive
Because marriage is a process, the MarriedPeople strategy is designed to encourage and empower couples on a consistent basis—no matter where they are in their marriages.
This shift is what makes MarriedPeople a proactive approach, not a topical or reactionary one. Our strategy leverages three environments to reach couples:
Individual Couple Experiences: date nights and monthly emails to help couples connect
Small Group Experiences: community, accountability, and faith building
Larger Group Experiences: vision casting, outreach, and inspiration
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
How would you explain how to walk to someone? This is how Wikipedia describes walking.
“Walking (also known as ambulation) is accomplished with a strategy called the double pendulum. During forward motion, the leg that leaves the ground swings forward from the hip. This sweep is the first pendulum. Then the leg strikes the ground with the heel and rolls through to the toe in a motion described as an inverted pendulum. The motion of the two legs is coordinated so that one foot or the other is always in contact with the ground.”
Talk about over complicating a seemingly simple process. How about just “put one foot in front of the other?”
Overcomplicating Marriage Ministry
It’s not unusual for those of us in marriage ministry to sound like this. Sometimes it’s necessary to over explain—but usually not. Most marriages just need simplicity.
That’s why I always encouraged church leaders to be consistent, encouraging, and simple.
Encourage married couples to take one step, take that one step often, and to know that you’re cheering them on as they do. Simple as that.
Teach Less For More
Through the years, I’ve learned that if you teach people less, they will actually learn more.
This principle may seem counter-intuitive. It’s a principle that’s rarely applied, especially within ministry to married couples.
Many church leaders believe if we give people enough information, something is certain to work. But heaping more content on stressed couples can become the tipping point between “energized and encouraged” and “giving up.”
Churches schedule a weekend marriage retreat that requires thirsty couples to drink from a fire hose, or tired couples to hike to the highest mountain. Or they plan a five-week sermon series on marriage, giving couples enough content to last them for several years until they do a series again.
These well-intentioned church leaders offer couples everything they know about marriage all at once. Even if it’s great content, it’s too much to digest in one sitting.
When it comes to helping marriages, the church is content heavy and application light. What’s the solution to this dilemma? Teach less for more.
Give Couples Less Content More Often
Instead of covering a lot of ground at a retreat or through a sermon series, narrow your focus to only the most important topics and talk about them more often.
Whatever marriage-supportive experiences your church offers, give people the opportunity to take “just one step” weekly, biweekly, or monthly.
If you can’t do anything else, give couples a step-by-step date opportunity once a quarter and send them the MarriedPeople Monthly email resource. These simple, bite-size resources help couples succeed in practical ways.
Move from General to Focused
While there are many effective marriage principles and practices, giving couples a single, clear, focused message is powerful. Reduce the total number of topics you could cover to just a few essentials that you will cover.
The MarriedPeople strategy uses a clear, consistent terminology throughout. But just as important, it condenses a multitude of principles and practices into a few key values.
We call them the Core 4 Habits.
Have Serious Fun
Love God First
Respect and Love
Practice Your Promise
Everything we do is focused around one or more of these major topics. That’s not to say there aren’t other things that could be helpful to married couples. Just that we’re trying to stay focused to prevent couples from being overwhelmed.
Provide Action Steps
Would you rather married people spend an hour reading a chapter in a marriage book or have them spend 10 minutes filling in the following blanks for each other?
I am impressed with how much you know about ______ .
Something special about you that not many people see is ______ .
One of the nicest things you’ve ever done is ______ .
If you’re like us, then you chose the later option. Because it’s a practical application of the principles we teach. Reading marriage books is great, but actually taking action is even better.
When in doubt, give couples something you know they and will do. If I could go back and do one thing differently in my first years in ministry, I would have made our content more practical.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
The 2018 Orange Conference is right around the corner! This year’s theme is ONE VOICE: We Can Do More Together. Sounds like a pretty good slogan for both ministry AND marriage.
As always, there will be plenty of marriage breakouts happening at the conference. We hope that you’ll join us for as many of these as possible. These are some of the best ways to learn more about our resources and how you can impact local marriages.
And be sure to stop by the MarriedPeople booth to meet us and ask any questions you might have. You’ll also be able to pick up tons of our resources from the conference store. It’s gonna be awesome.
MARRIED PEOPLE INTERACTIVE
TIME SLOT: Wednesday April 25, 9:30-10:30 am
SPEAKER: Ted Lowe
ABOUT: When it comes to marriage, every day is full of challenges and victories. And to be honest, just getting out the door Sunday morning can put most marriages to the test. That’s why you need MarriedPeople, the marriage division of Orange! Join us to explore creative planning, tips, tools, and resources to start your marriage ministry or take it to the next level.
MARRIAGE MINISTRY 201
TIME SLOT: Wednesday April 25, 11 am-noon
SPEAKER: Ted Lowe
ABOUT: So you already have an established marriage ministry in your church, and you’re ready to take it to the next level. But what more is there than one-night events, weekend retreats, and the occasional date night? In this breakout, you’ll discover how to leverage research, practice methods, and craft messaging that will span the millennial bridge into your church.
VOLUNTEER-LED MARRIAGE MINISTRY
TIME SLOT: Wednesday, April 25, 3-4:15 pm
SPEAKER: Todd Graham
ABOUT: Married people make up a big portion of your church, but that doesn’t mean your church has the resources to employ a full-time marriage pastor. However, that’s no reason the couples in your church can’t experience a thriving marriage ministry. Join us in this breakout as we unpack how to lead, recruit, train, and empower volunteers to lead the marriage ministry in your church.
MARRIEDPEOPLE 101
TIME SLOT: Thursday, April 26, 10:45-11:45 am
SPEAKER: Ted Lowe
ABOUT: MarriedPeople is the marriage division of Orange. It’s a foundational Orange concept that what happens at home is just as important as what happens at church. We get that with kids, but it’s also true for the married couples in your church. Because as any married couple can tell you—disconnection happens easily, connection takes intention. Your church can be strategic in helping couples connect. This breakout will walk you through some ways your church can be marriage heroes and impact couples inside your church and in your community.
HOW TO COMBINE PARENTING AND MARRIAGE MINISTRY TO REACH MILLENNIALS
TIME SLOT: Thursday April 26, 1:15 – 2:15 pm
SPEAKERS: Sherry Surratt & Ted Lowe
ABOUT: So your church has a thriving marriage ministry. And your family ministry is knocking it out of the park partnering with parents. But imagine the impact you could have if your teams capitalized on the crossover between these two groups. By aligning your church’s marriage and parenting strategies with one voice, you can do more to reach the next generation. Join us in this breakout as we unpack how.
DOING MINISTRY TOGETHER
TIME SLOT: Thursday, April 26, 3-4 pm
SPEAKERS: Geoff & Sherry Surratt
ABOUT: This breakout isn’t a how-to guide to create a model marriage; it’s more like coffee with friends who’ve been where you are going and have learned some lessons that may help you find your way. You’ll walk away with some practical tools the Surratts have discovered in 35 years of marriage and ministry together, showing how to thrive in ministry while loving your spouse and raising a family.
MARRIAGE EVENTS OVERHAUL
TIME SLOT: Thursday, April 26, 4:45-5:45 pm
SPEAKER: Ted Cunningham
ABOUT: Married couples are busy, and sometimes it can feel like a literal song and dance is necessary to get them to come to your church’s marriage event. After all, whatever “free” time they have is often reserved for sweatpants and Netflix. But that doesn’t mean couples aren’t interested in what you have to say. With an authentic, fun-filled night that escapes from being boring, preachy, and outdated, your church can help marriages in your church and your community.
Married People exists to help your church help marriages. We provide resources, training, and community to church leaders who work with marriages and families.
Ants. Everywhere. I looked around the classroom and could feel the sting of tears forming. It was going to be a hectic morning.
I had known for weeks today would be challenging and had done everything in my power to set up my teams for success. It was a long holiday weekend, which meant many volunteers were at the beach or in the mountains with their families. (But we were covered; I had called in reinforcements in the form of staff spouses.)
Our church building, which was often rented out by other well-meaning organizations, had been filled with tiny ballerinas and tappers less than 24 hours prior, and they had definitely left their mark. Glitter was everywhere. (But again, no big deal. I had hired a cleaning service and brought my own vacuum from home for a final touch-up.)
However, when I unlocked that room (the one room that hadn’t been touched by sparkles and tutus) and saw the trails of hardworking fire ants streaming across every flat surface, my heart sank. “Oh no!” I whispered.
The volunteer standing at my back gasped and mumbled quietly, “I noticed them last week just outside the door. I mentioned it to another staff member. I guess they forgot.”
The Problem You Don’t See Coming
Have you ever been so flustered, so angry that you could feel your face heating? That’s exactly what I experienced in the moment. We could have remedied the problem anytime in the last seven days. There was nontoxic ant spray beneath the sink in that very room. How did we find ourselves in this situation?
The volunteer’s next words effectively deflated my frustration. “I’m sorry. You’re just so particular and I was afraid I’d step on someone’s toes if I took matters into my own hands. Would you have wanted me to spray or tell you so you could spray?”
Immediately, I realized my failure. We would fall short of the expectations of the families we served because I had neglected to empower team members to identify viable solutions and make critical decisions. I had micromanaged my ministry to the point of malfunction. I had built a shifting foundation.
My need for control had robbed my team members of their confidence and limited their capacity. The irony in the situation was how much I trusted my team. I had recruited incredible people with a varied set of skills and aptitude. They were fully capable of executing with excellence, but my fear of making mistakes and being labeled inadequate was stifling our success.
The Solution for the Problem You Don’t See Coming
As my volunteer shuffled her feet nervously beside me and I watched the ant trails creep toward the walls, I recognized the changes I had to make. Over the coming months I slowly released the tight grip I had on my ministry and intentionally took steps to empower my teams.
My approach employed these three strategies:
1. Speak Life and Encouragement
For volunteers to rise up and assume responsibility, they must operate from a place of clarity and confidence. In addition, they must know you believe in them and trust them to identify solutions and make tough calls. Avoid dictating to-do lists and supervising the small things. Show your support by speaking life and words of encouragement. Offer suggestions and allow them to take the reins.
2. Set Clear Expectations
It’s impossible to measure up when you are unfamiliar with the measuring stick. Your team members must know and understand your policies and procedures as well as the expectations placed upon them. Teach them how you think. Coach them through your decision-making process. Expressed expectations allow for accountability and growth.
3. Praise Progress, Not Perfection
No one gets it right every time. If perfection were a prerequisite for ministry, we would all be out of a job. At some point someone took a risk with you: they gave you more responsibility than you had proven capable of carrying. Yet, you persevered and God used you to advance His kingdom. Now it’s your turn. There are volunteers on your team who are capable of more. Find ways to hand over the reins and raise up leaders. Praise effort, not results, and progress, not perfection.
Empower Your Team and Grow
In family ministry, empowerment is critical. Every weekend, parents entrust their hearts to you and your team members. They hand over their children for an hour or two and have faith you will care for them with utmost priority. Volunteers who understand your ministry’s vision and guiding principles and who act in confidence will not only meet expectations, but also succeed in forming meaningful connections.
Do you feel your ministry has plateaued? If so, consider the weight you are carrying. Is your expansion and growth limited by your personal bandwidth? Maybe it’s time to take a risk and delegate responsibility to capable and empowered members of your team.
Want More?
To learn more about the “whys” and “hows” of empowerment, check out Don’t Quit, the new book by Jessica Bealer and Gina McClain, available now at DontQuitBook.com.
Jessica Bealer has been leading children’s ministry for 17 years, the last five of which she spent overseeing standards, systems, staffing, and atmosphere for the children’s ministry of Elevation Church. She has managed the launch of nearly 20 locations and is considered a specialist in kidmin multisite. She and her husband, Frank, have four children and together founded FamilyMinistry.Church. You can follow Jessica on Twitter @jessicabealer and Instagram @jessicabealer.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
One of the biggest challenges for a family engaged in ministry is learning to balance church activities, marriage, kids, extended family, finances, and all the needy people who seem to come along with the job. Leading a church, or just a ministry area can be a 24/7 endeavor.
Your volunteers can’t meet during the workday, crises almost always occur in the middle of the night, and weekends are sometimes the busiest time for someone in ministry. In the midst of the chaos are recitals, ball games, and graduations, along with all the other needs of a healthy family. Somewhere along the way you’re supposed to have family meals, date nights and vacations.
Balancing all this endless activity requires a spreadsheet, a calendar app, and a daily to-do list. No matter how hard you try, something always seems out of balance.
Sound familiar? Either ministry or family seems to always get shortchanged. How does anyone successfully balance all the demands of ministry, friends, and family?
Balance is a Myth
My husband Geoff and I have been in ministry together for over 30 years and here’s what I’m learning—balance is an impossible myth.
Even Jesus didn’t live a balanced life. He healed the sick, taught the disciples, preached to thousands, and rebuked the Pharisees. All in one day. And then he said, “The Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Luke 9:58). That doesn’t sound like a balanced life.
Geoff and I are learning our goal can’t be balance, but it can be healthy rhythm. In the midst of even the busiest ministry seasons, it is possible to have a healthy marriage, a healthy family, and a healthy relationship with God. Here are a couple of ways we’re getting there.
We Tell the Truth
I’ve always been a ‘time optimist’ which is a kind way of saying I over-commit. I always think I’ll be able to get that meeting knocked out in an hour, or finish up all those emails in 20 minutes. No way. Instead of saying ‘I just need a few more minutes’, I’m learning to say, ‘I under estimated how long this is going to take and I’m going to need some grace’.
When Geoff is prepping for a message, he’s honest when it’s going to take days instead of hours. It helps each of us to deal with especially busy seasons when we give the other a heads up and invite their help.
We Diffuse Emergencies
Everything in ministry can feel like an emergency. The sermon has to be ready for Sunday, a new children’s ministry volunteer has to be recruited by the weekend, and an attender’s marriage has to be fixed tonight.
All the good intentions of focusing on family go out the window when the phone rings and it’s time for all hands on deck. The little known secret of ministry however is many emergencies can be delayed, defused or dealt with in advance. We’re learning how to sift.
We ask ourselves, “Did this crisis just arise or is it something that has been brewing for awhile?Is this a crisis we can solve tonight, or will this be an ongoing challenge?Is there a compelling reason this crisis can’t be addressed during normal business hours?”
Obviously, there are moments in ministry when you do drop everything to run and help. But creating a plan to sift those moments helps your family feel like it’s a bit more manageable.
We Ask Each For Help.
We help each other notice what we’re not noticing. I give Geoff the permission to tell me when I’ve drifted into an unhealthy rhythm and he has given me the same. We’ve agreed we’ll gently call each other out when our time demands have gotten out of control and we’ve agreed we’ll stop, listen and change.
Here’s the bottom line: Ministry will never be a nine-to-five, Monday to Friday job. So creating a healthy rhythm for your family needs to be a lifelong endeavor. If you don’t set your priorities, everyone else will do it for you.
Sherry Surratt is the Executive Director of Parent Strategy for Orange. She is the author of several books including Brave Mom: Facing and Overcoming Your Real Mom Fears, and Just Lead! A No Whining, No Nonsense Practical Guide for Women Leaders in the Church. A shoe freak and coffee lover, Sherry resides in Denver, Co with her husband Geoff who is Pastor of Church Planting at Southeast Christian. She has two grown children and two incredibly gorgeous granddaughters.
