by Guest Writer | Jul 18, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
I believe the hardest thing about being a leader in the church is the island I am put on by the people of our church as a ministry family, and as a ministry married couple. There are not very many people I can be brutally honest with and unapologetic about the hard stuff I deal with.
It’s hard to find someone that can really relate to the spiritual weight Jeff and I carry, or what its like to lead in the church. It is an honorable calling from God that can leave me feeling lonely real quick! As I have talked to many couples and wives about leadership in the church, this issue seems to hit the hardest and its the sneakiest.
I am surrounded by people all day long. Talking and praying, planning and caring for, meeting and greeting, hugging and mentoring each and every day. People are our “business.” How in the world can I feel alone when it’s hard to even find a place daily to be alone?
It’s why I so strongly believe that as leaders in the church we need to be seriously intentional about finding safe people in our lives that we can be honest with about ministry and the craziness of our calling.
Jeff and I have been married for 16 years and both of us have been serving in ministry for even more years than that. This wonderful ideal of having safe people in our lives did not happen overnight. It has been years of trial and error. Many friendships over the years have evolved into beautiful wonderful people in our lives, but still they cannot provide the “safety” I am talking about. And some friendships when testing these waters of safety fall right off a cliff or send people running for the mountains—and right out of our lives and out of our church. It’s painful to say the least.
We have been so bold to even tell people, “Being friends with us is dangerous. You will see how your pastor really lives and acts. Church will become messy for you and probably not picture perfect (if it ever was). Can you handle that?”
It’s been prayerful years, begging God for safe people whom I can be real with, cry with, yell with, and belly laugh with. I need friendships that will call me out, and keep me accountable, push back at me when I’m off my rocker, speak into my marriage when it’s heading the wrong direction, help me with parenting my non-perfect-pastor-kids. Friends who can see the mess of the church and love it even more! Friends like this are a diamond in the desert.
I am blessed with many wonderful friends, but just a small few who can walk with me through the landmine fields of ministry, who are brave enough and strong enough to see and accept my imperfections as a pastor’s wife and the imperfect church we work in. Someone who will keep trudging and celebrating with us day after day. I have a friend like this, and keeps me alive and able to love ministry. God has sent me this gem of a human and her husband and family to love us unconditionally in ministry.
Not only do these safe people need to be amazing and accepting, I have to be willing to be vulnerable, real and authentic. Can I do that? As a pastor’s wife, it’s easy to believe I am pretty awesome because other people seem to naturally think that about me and our family just because of our role in the church. It’s a trap!
To begin to act or believe that I may be even one degree more “together” than the people who attend my church, is a lie! God did not choose my husband and our family to lead His church because we are smarter, braver, more spiritual, more Bible thumping, more patient, more graceful, more loving, more prayerful, etc. than anyone else!
I DO NOT KNOW WHY HE CHOOSES TO USE US! More realistic, He probably roped us in because we didn’t know what we were in for! Many days if I knew what I was in for being a pastor’s wife, I would have jumped off a cliff myself rather than say yes to this calling!! It’s hard. Period.
Safe friends are essential. We were not meant to live alone and especially not meant to lead alone.
Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor and now the lead pastor of a church. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with three kids. Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Ted Lowe | Jul 11, 2017 | Faith, Outreach
by Ted Lowe
Beth stood at the kitchen window as she saw Blake drive away for the last time before their divorce was to be complete. Once his car was out of view, she hit her knees and sobbed. The kids would be home from school any minute, she had better get herself together.
Blake’s hands were shaking and he was out of breath so he pulled into the neighborhood clubhouse. He was surprised at his response. After all, this was the best thing for everyone, especially the kids, right?
Just then, the school bus turned into the neighborhood next to the clubhouse. Parents were waiting for their kids. But he wasn’t. His daughters got off the bus and headed to his car, despite the fact that they were confused to meet him there on a Thursday.
Beth looked out the window and saw Blake driving back up the driveway and was very confused to see the girls in his car.
Blake stopped the car, wondering if he should make a quick exit or allow the girls to get settled in first.
Paralyzed by the sight, Beth wondered why Blake had the girls. Is he saying goodbye? He had better not; they had decided that Saturday at lunch was the best time. What if he . . . . has he changed his mind? That’s not possible. They were both certain. Right?
The girls hopped out of Blake’s car. Jenny, the spitting image of Beth, turned and said, “Get out, Daddy!” Sara was already on her way inside the house. She had been distant for months. He and Beth both agreed she knew something was up.
”Hi baby, how was your day?” Beth asked Sara as she breezed by. ”Fine,” Sara said, continuing without pause to her room.
Then firecracker Jenny came barreling in. ”Mommy, why did Daddy meet us at the bus?” she asked. ”Jake’s mom always meets us on Thursdays.” Before getting an answer, she ran back outside to see what was keeping her dad.
Blake, still frozen and not knowing what to do, watched as Jenny runs toward the car, shouting: ”Daddy, what are you doing? Get out. Let’s play. Jump with me on the trampoline.”
“No, Jenny. I have to go,” he said.
“Go where?” she asked.
“Honey, I . . . have . . . I have to work and I need to . . .” his voice trailed off. Her face went from exuberant to flat in a millisecond. What had appeared to be a great surprise on a random Thursday was now just a big disappointment.
“Come on, Jenny,” Beth said, walking outside. ”Come inside. Dad needs to go.”
Seeing Beth and Jenny standing there together, looking just alike, killed him. ”Beth, can we talk for just a minute?” Blake asked before thinking.
“Blake, don’t you need to get back to work?” Beth said.
“Yes, but it will only take a minute,” he said. ”Jenny, can you give me and your mom just a few minutes?” Jenny kicked the ground and ran inside.
Then Blake said . . .
Attention anyone passionate about marriage: What do you want Blake to say?
What do you want Beth to say?
How does your heart long for this story to end, or at least re-begin?
I’m a dreamer. Every day, moms and dads are driving away for the last time, and families are dividing up permanently. I believe the Church’s role is to change those stories, restore those stories. I beg of you, start the ball rolling at your church. Start leveraging your church to help marriages.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but please make room for the Beths, Blakes, Saras and Jennys that surround your church.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Tim Parsons | Jun 13, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
by Tim Parsons
I’ve really been on a criticism kick lately. Not giving it out like candy on halloween…but considering the idea of criticism. I feel like I’ve noticed that we have grown more critical over the last several years. And we chalk it up to “being helpful” or simply “expecting higher standards.”
But the reality that I’ve noticed is that much of the criticism I see and hear comes from a place of selfishness and personal preferences rather than a place of general good and helping someone or something move to a place of greater effectiveness or impact.
And I’m as guilty as anyone. I’ve completely bought in. I am all-in on giving out criticism. And no one or nothing is off limits. I’m not proud of it . . . but it’s true. I’m working on it.
For example, my kids’ school just hired a new principal. The search has been going on for a few months and they’ve done a good job of keeping us in the loop on what’s going on. But, they just made the announcement of the new principal.
My first reaction—to criticize their choice. I found that I wanted to immediately point out everything that was wrong and all of the ways that they could have done it better. If I’m being honest, though . . . those thoughts and feelings were coming from a place of pride. Instead I had to resist that and trust that their process and decision was not only one that was well thought out, but also one that was guided by God.
So, I’ve been thinking lately about myself and others who are critical and how I can help us all evaluate and know if we’re the ones who are critical or not. And here’s what I came up with – 4 ways to know if you’re a critical person:
- What’s the goal of the criticism? I’ve found that the motivation for the criticism tells me a lot about whether or not it should be shared. Is the goal rooted in my own preferences or opinions or is it based on something that is truly for the greater good? Do I just want to show how much I know? Do I just want to be right? Or, is my goal to contribute towards a goal that is noble and God-honoring?
- What’s the ratio of criticism to compliments? This question is an interesting one—but I think there is inherent value in it. I truly believe that we should all try our hardest to be encouragers. And criticism can often be discouraging. But, when there is a higher ratio (or at least a 1:1 ratio) of compliments to criticisms, it can be a little easier for people to swallow. If you find that you criticize someone or something WAY more than you compliment them, you’re probably doing something wrong.
- How much consideration have you given to the criticism? I have certainly discovered time and time again that my first reaction to something is usually not as sharp as I imagine it is. But once I take time to think about the criticism (i.e. answering these questions first), I find that I either don’t give criticism at all or I at least fine tune my criticism to be more helpful. If you feel compelled to give criticism, I want to encourage you to take some time to consider it before you speak it.
- How close are you to the situation? I can imagine that I am much closer to a situation just because I am a stakeholder in it. Let me say that again in a different way, I find that just because I am connected or impacted by a decision or action, that I feel like I am close enough to it to criticize it. The example for me is the one of my kids’ school and the hiring of the principal. I am impacted by it, but I have absolutely NO idea how the decision was reached, the competency of the other candidates, or even the talents, skills, and gifts of the guy they picked. So, just because you shop at Walmart, that doesn’t mean that you are close enough to the situation to criticize their decision to move your favorite product from aisle 10 to aisle 22.
How do you rank yourself on giving criticism and generally being a critical person?
Do you have work to do?
We all do.
These four questions will help you evaluate yourself and move closer to being a person that people actually seek out for criticism rather than being the one they run from because all you do is criticize them.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.
Tim Parsons wears a lot of hats, but his favorites include husband, daddy, and Lead Pastor at The Journey Church in Avon, IN. You can find his words online in several places where he typically writes about Leadership, Marriage, and Parenting. He’s been married to the love of his life, Consuela, for over 15 years and they have 4 children. His hobbies include dipping fries in ranch dressing, correcting other’s grammar mistakes in his head, scrolling through Facebook just shaking his head, and overusing hashtags. Check out more from Tim at www.timparsons.me and www.timandconsuela.com.
by Guest Writer | Apr 11, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
by Carey Nieuwhof
Almost all of us lead in at least two areas of our lives: at work and at home.
Personally, I’ve been a husband to Toni for 24 years, a dad for 22 years (raising two pretty amazing sons—ages 22 and 18), and a church leader for 19 years (this week!). All of them have been incredibly rewarding. And each of them has had its challenges. And each area has had its temptations.
But if you’re a church leader, you probably also realize there are unique challenges to leading at church and leading at home. And some unique temptations.
I could probably list a lot more than five temptations, but these are the five I either find myself talking to church leaders about most, or think I should talk to church leaders about more. And they’re the five I’ve felt or experienced.
1. You’ll be tempted to lead better at work than at home.
I know lots of people talk about how important is to lead at home, but let’s be honest. It’s just easier to lead at church.
I think this is especially true for male leaders. There is some truth to the fact that men crave respect, and it’s generally easy to get respect at work. Easier, at least, than it is to earn respect.
When you come home drained at the end of the day, it’s easy to think you can just coast or even receive.
But you can’t.
Love is about giving more than it is about getting. It’s about serving, not being served. And key to a healthy marriage and family life are spouses and parents who serve, who love, who give.
I think many church leaders are tempted to work harder on leadership at church than they are on their leadership at home. And yet if your homelife dissolves, you lose so much. In ministry, it often means you step back from what you’ve worked so hard to create.
One day you will retire from work. But you will never retire from family.
2. You’ll be tempted to engineer your child’s life.
In the same way that almost every parent is tempted to engineer their child’s life from choosing a career, as a church leader, there’s pressure to want to engineer your child’s faith life.
I have said it many times over. I want nothing more than for my children to be in a vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ.
And you can be tempted to try to make that happen. You certainly can and should influence their decision. After all, you are the greatest influence in your child’s life. But you can’t make them love God.
Think back to your own journey. There was a point at which you believed, and then didn’t, and then believed again. A time where you questioned anything. But at the end of the journey, you embraced your heavenly Father freely.
Sometimes God seems more okay with letting people taking their own journey than we do.
Your kids have their own journey. Help them take it. But don’t try to take it for them.
3. You’ll be tempted to give your kids no private space to make mistakes.
Your kids aren’t perfect (neither are you for that matter). They’re going to make mistakes.
But when they do, you won’t know what to do. In fact you might start telling people about it. Please don’t. I mean maybe talk to your best friend or trusted advisor. But please give your kids space to make mistakes privately.
The gossip mill is terrible. The last thing your 14 year old needs is a hundred eyes staring at her on the Sunday after the Friday she messed up. Protect your child’s dignity.
I wince inside when parents tell me they have three kids two of whom are walking with the Lord and one of whom isn’t.
First of all, do you really know that? And secondly, even if you did, why are you telling me that
—or anyone outside of your inner circle?
Sure, I understand those parents might be speaking out of their pain or out of their fear
, but really, pray about it more than you talk about it.
And build a relational bridge to your kids. Talking about them like that when they are not in the room is not the best way to start that. Love them unconditionally.
Love attracts. Judgment alienates.
4. You will be tempted to want your family to do well for your sake, not theirs.
The pressure we put on family can be too intense at times for everyone’s sake.
You will be tempted to want your kids to do well not for their sake, but for yours. Resist that.
When you’re tempted to want your kids and family to do well not just for their sake, but for yours, it’s almost always tied to pride. Your pride. My pride.
It’s sinful, but easy, to be more concerned about your reputation than you are concerned for them.
This is true when your kids succeed as well as when they fail.
If you’re posting every single accomplishment of your kids to Facebook, you should eventually look in the mirror and ask whether that’s really about them or whether it’s about you.
5. You’ll be tempted to let your marriage slide—
but at least you’re not divorced, right?
One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a great marriage.
I have heard it said numerous times (and believe)—kids need you to know you love each other even more than they need to know you love them. When you don’t love each other, it creates an insecurity in them.
Far too many couples today overfocus on their kids and underfocus on each other.
It’s just too easy to let your marriage slide and focus on the kids and on work, but that’s a mistake.
Why? You’ll drift apart. You’ll want to be served rather than to serve. And eventually, your spouse will no longer see Christ in you. You may not get divorced, but you have little to celebrate or enjoy. And everyone will suffer for it, including you. And especially your kids. Plus your church and community.
And please don’t go on about how awesome you are at church and how capable you are there (having tried that, I promise you, it’s a dead end).
When your spouse can’t see Christ in you, it matters little what others think they can see in you.
And isn’t home the ultimate test anyway? It’s always hardest at home. Because people see through it all and see who you really are. Conversely, when you work on your character and faith at home, it will spill out into every other area of your life.
The good news is no matter where you’re at, there’s hope.
Toni and I went through a very difficult season in our marriage. Having come through to the other side, there is so much to celebrate. Today, our marriage isn’t perfect, but it is amazing.
A great marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your kids, and your congregation. Not to mention yourself and each other.
Those are the five temptations I’ve experienced in ministry and life. What about you?
Any temptations you’ve experienced navigating church and home as a leader?
(reposted with permission from https://careynieuwhof.com)
Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.
He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth. Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner. He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam. He blogs at www.careynieuwhof.com and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Ted Lowe | Feb 21, 2017 | Faith
A few years ago, my wife Nancie and I hosted a Q & A luncheon at a youth pastors’ conference entitled, Married and in Ministry. The room was packed. Not because of us, but because of the topic.
As couples asked questions, I wasn’t surprised to hear that they were too busy and that it was taking a huge toll on their marriage. What did surprise me were their reactions to some basic suggestions on how to change that. We mentioned things like boundaries and they responded with things like, What do you mean by boundaries?
Then we brought up the absolute necessity to date. For many, it was if we had suggested they take a trip to Disney World . . . every week. Date night? Who has time for that? We have people in our church who need us, who have real issues. We are out of the house most nights of the week doing ministry, taking our own kids to their activities.
I’m thinking to myself, how could such obviously smart people be so reluctant or even unknowledgeable about the need to take time for their marriage? As we passionately tried to give them permission to do so, we could tell some of them weren’t buying it.
As we were debriefing afterwards, Nancie wasn’t as surprised by their responses as I was. She reminded me that making marriage a priority when you are ministry is basic to us. Why? Because we’ve had the unbelievable, and UNIQUE blessing of being surrounded by great marriages our entire marriage.
From day one of our marriage, we’ve had couples around us who modeled date night and have held us accountable to it. She reminded me that day—and I have been reminded many times since in my interactions with pastors—that people in ministry need people to encourage them to do, among many things, date.
So whether you are a dating pro or haven’t been on date since Reagan was in office, I have a little challenge for you. Go out on a date. Remember what it was like to have fun with your spouse, and not just decompress from ministry or debrief about your schedules.
If the date works, then send some of the couples in your church on the same date. Maybe start with your staff and volunteers and then move to a churchwide challenge, maybe even provide childcare. Bottom lineif you like the date, share the date.
Why date night? Experiences and laugher and affirmation all have one thing in common: they connect you as a couple. And connection is what dating is all about it. Date nights are not about to-do lists or solving all your issues. They’re about enjoying your marriage. And as Proverbs 5 illustrates, maybe one of the best ways to protect your marriage is to enjoy your marriage.
So continue or start dating. It’s not extra. It’s essential. And don’t forget to let us know what happened, by posting a pic with #mpdates.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
