by Tim Parsons | May 2, 2017 | Leadership, Training
by Tim Parsons
I’m not sure about you, but I am a life-long learner. I’m not sure where I picked it up or inherited it from, but I am constantly looking for more information on how to lead better. I read books and blogs, I attend conferences, and I meet and talk with other leaders who can teach me new things.
And although all of those will help me grow, it seems as though the growth I see from it is incremental. It’s small. It takes a long time to get good at the principles I learn and it can even have no real, immediate impact on my leadership.
But, there’s one way that I’ve found that almost always leads to growth in leadership. One way that often has an immediate and lasting impact on the way that I lead. The downsize, though, is that it’s unfortunate. It’s not easy. It can lead me to want to walk away from it all and question my ability as a leader altogether.
What is it? PAIN.
The pain of leadership hurts. The pain of leadership can hit you right where it hurts the worst. The pain of leadership can break you and knock the wind out of you. The pain of leadership is not for the faint of heart.
Think back to the last time you felt pain in your leadership. Perhaps it was a time where someone misunderstood something you said and they were deeply offended. Or, a new initiative that you were excited about completely flopped. Maybe a time when you let someone down – an employee, a peer, your spouse, a customer.
In each of those painful leadership moments, there’s an opportunity to grow as a leader…if you’ll allow it. Sure, you can dismiss it quickly or you can even run from it like the plague. But, I think there’s something there for you and you should find it.
And here’s the point of it all, I have found time and time again that every time I’ve let someone down, made a mistake, failed miserably, or experienced any kind of pain in leadership, I’ve not only grown from that experience, but the growth has been lasting, quick, and meaningful. I would say that learning from the pain of leadership is better than any college degree.
The next time that you experience the pain of leadership, which path will you choose – run from it or grow from it? The choice is really yours. I want to encourage you to find the growth that comes from this very unfortunate part of leadership.
Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.
Tim Parsons wears a lot of hats, but his favorites include husband, daddy, and Lead Pastor at The Journey Church in Avon, IN. You can find his words online in several places where he typically writes about Leadership, Marriage, and Parenting. He’s been married to the love of his life, Consuela, for over 15 years and they have 4 children. His hobbies include dipping fries in ranch dressing, correcting other’s grammar mistakes in his head, scrolling through Facebook just shaking his head, and overusing hashtags. Check out more from Tim at www.timparsons.me and www.timandconsuela.com.
by Guest Writer | Apr 18, 2017 | Leadership, Outreach
by Adam Roberson
Do you ever look at your spouse and remember what it felt like to fall in love with them? Remember what it was like to feel your whole world light up when they called and to feel those little butterflies swooping through your stomach at just the thought of them walking through the door? It’s an amazing feeling. The question is, what happened to it?
What happened to the light headed happiness that only comes from spending time with your best friend in the entire world?
Life happened.
Bills happened.
Jobs happened.
Kids happened.
Responsibility happened.
And all those necessary, and even wonderful, things pulled just a little bit more of your attention towards their call and away from the love and bond you share with your spouse. What was once new and novel became habit and you began to take the one you love most for granted.
Chances are, this is the reality of many of your parents and volunteers who walk through the doors of your church every week. The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to focus your time and energy on the marriages involved. When you have healthy marriages, you have healthy family ministry environments.
We are constantly trying to find way to build healthy marriages. Whether it’s through quarterly Date Nights, one night events, or small group studies, we are encouraging couples to connect.
We value marriage and believe it provides us will not only healthy environments, but healthy couples who lead in those environments week by week.
The best thing you can do for your family ministry environments is to figure how you can incorporate healthy marriages in your environments.
What are some things your church is doing to impact the marriages of the families involved in your ministries?
Adam Roberson is the Director of Family Ministry and Married Life at Rock Point Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Adam and his wife Monica were married in 2006 and have three children, Jackson, Beckham and Evelyn.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Guest Writer | Apr 11, 2017 | Faith, Leadership
by Carey Nieuwhof
Almost all of us lead in at least two areas of our lives: at work and at home.
Personally, I’ve been a husband to Toni for 24 years, a dad for 22 years (raising two pretty amazing sons—ages 22 and 18), and a church leader for 19 years (this week!). All of them have been incredibly rewarding. And each of them has had its challenges. And each area has had its temptations.
But if you’re a church leader, you probably also realize there are unique challenges to leading at church and leading at home. And some unique temptations.
I could probably list a lot more than five temptations, but these are the five I either find myself talking to church leaders about most, or think I should talk to church leaders about more. And they’re the five I’ve felt or experienced.
1. You’ll be tempted to lead better at work than at home.
I know lots of people talk about how important is to lead at home, but let’s be honest. It’s just easier to lead at church.
I think this is especially true for male leaders. There is some truth to the fact that men crave respect, and it’s generally easy to get respect at work. Easier, at least, than it is to earn respect.
When you come home drained at the end of the day, it’s easy to think you can just coast or even receive.
But you can’t.
Love is about giving more than it is about getting. It’s about serving, not being served. And key to a healthy marriage and family life are spouses and parents who serve, who love, who give.
I think many church leaders are tempted to work harder on leadership at church than they are on their leadership at home. And yet if your homelife dissolves, you lose so much. In ministry, it often means you step back from what you’ve worked so hard to create.
One day you will retire from work. But you will never retire from family.
2. You’ll be tempted to engineer your child’s life.
In the same way that almost every parent is tempted to engineer their child’s life from choosing a career, as a church leader, there’s pressure to want to engineer your child’s faith life.
I have said it many times over. I want nothing more than for my children to be in a vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ.
And you can be tempted to try to make that happen. You certainly can and should influence their decision. After all, you are the greatest influence in your child’s life. But you can’t make them love God.
Think back to your own journey. There was a point at which you believed, and then didn’t, and then believed again. A time where you questioned anything. But at the end of the journey, you embraced your heavenly Father freely.
Sometimes God seems more okay with letting people taking their own journey than we do.
Your kids have their own journey. Help them take it. But don’t try to take it for them.
3. You’ll be tempted to give your kids no private space to make mistakes.
Your kids aren’t perfect (neither are you for that matter). They’re going to make mistakes.
But when they do, you won’t know what to do. In fact you might start telling people about it. Please don’t. I mean maybe talk to your best friend or trusted advisor. But please give your kids space to make mistakes privately.
The gossip mill is terrible. The last thing your 14 year old needs is a hundred eyes staring at her on the Sunday after the Friday she messed up. Protect your child’s dignity.
I wince inside when parents tell me they have three kids two of whom are walking with the Lord and one of whom isn’t.
First of all, do you really know that? And secondly, even if you did, why are you telling me that
—or anyone outside of your inner circle?
Sure, I understand those parents might be speaking out of their pain or out of their fear
, but really, pray about it more than you talk about it.
And build a relational bridge to your kids. Talking about them like that when they are not in the room is not the best way to start that. Love them unconditionally.
Love attracts. Judgment alienates.
4. You will be tempted to want your family to do well for your sake, not theirs.
The pressure we put on family can be too intense at times for everyone’s sake.
You will be tempted to want your kids to do well not for their sake, but for yours. Resist that.
When you’re tempted to want your kids and family to do well not just for their sake, but for yours, it’s almost always tied to pride. Your pride. My pride.
It’s sinful, but easy, to be more concerned about your reputation than you are concerned for them.
This is true when your kids succeed as well as when they fail.
If you’re posting every single accomplishment of your kids to Facebook, you should eventually look in the mirror and ask whether that’s really about them or whether it’s about you.
5. You’ll be tempted to let your marriage slide—
but at least you’re not divorced, right?
One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a great marriage.
I have heard it said numerous times (and believe)—kids need you to know you love each other even more than they need to know you love them. When you don’t love each other, it creates an insecurity in them.
Far too many couples today overfocus on their kids and underfocus on each other.
It’s just too easy to let your marriage slide and focus on the kids and on work, but that’s a mistake.
Why? You’ll drift apart. You’ll want to be served rather than to serve. And eventually, your spouse will no longer see Christ in you. You may not get divorced, but you have little to celebrate or enjoy. And everyone will suffer for it, including you. And especially your kids. Plus your church and community.
And please don’t go on about how awesome you are at church and how capable you are there (having tried that, I promise you, it’s a dead end).
When your spouse can’t see Christ in you, it matters little what others think they can see in you.
And isn’t home the ultimate test anyway? It’s always hardest at home. Because people see through it all and see who you really are. Conversely, when you work on your character and faith at home, it will spill out into every other area of your life.
The good news is no matter where you’re at, there’s hope.
Toni and I went through a very difficult season in our marriage. Having come through to the other side, there is so much to celebrate. Today, our marriage isn’t perfect, but it is amazing.
A great marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your kids, and your congregation. Not to mention yourself and each other.
Those are the five temptations I’ve experienced in ministry and life. What about you?
Any temptations you’ve experienced navigating church and home as a leader?
(reposted with permission from https://careynieuwhof.com)
Carey Nieuwhof is the lead pastor of Connexus Community Church, a growing multicampus church north of Toronto and strategic partner of North Point Community Church. Prior to starting Connexus in 2007, Carey served for 12 years in a mainline church, transitioning three small congregations into a single, rapidly growing church.
He speaks to North American and global church leaders about leadership, change and personal growth. Carey is the author of “Leading Change Without Losing It” and co-authored “Parenting Beyond Your Capacity” with Reggie Joiner. He and his wife Toni live near Barrie, Ontario and have two sons, Jordan and Sam. He blogs at www.careynieuwhof.com and hosts the top-rated Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast every week.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email admin@marriedpeople.org to find out more.
by Ted Lowe | Mar 21, 2017 | Leadership
by Ted Lowe
I talked to a leader of a parachurch organization who is very passionate about helping marriages. He wanted to do that through the local church. He had tried for years to help churches help marriages by providing them with resources.
He told me he was done trying.
He said he was going directly to couples with his resources, because church leaders dont care about helping married couples. Did I want to hit him? Yes, a little. Of course church leaders want to help marriages! They, perhaps more than anyone, see the impact of broken marriages.
But if I’m being honest, I understand, to a degree, why he feels the way he does. We talk to church leaders all the time who want to help couples, but don’t. Why? A million reasons, but the biggest reason can be summed in one word: busyness.
Church leaders have a ton on their plates and while they want to help married couples, they struggle with the constant reality that Sunday is coming and all the details and prep that requires. What you want to do can easily get pushed aside by what you have to do right now.
But when you get proactive vs. reactive with the marriages in your church, you move on from the land of ”That’s a great idea . . . for some day . . . when we have some margin.”
So if you find yourself in the category of wanting to help marriages but not having the time, here are a couple of easy wins any leader can do or better yet, hand off to a volunteer.
- Date Nights. Help couples date by giving them ready-made date nights. MarriedPeople has a lot of options you can choose from or check around online. We like ours best because they give couples step-by-step instructions instead of broad ideas, and can be done by any couple in any community at any economic level. If you can, provide childcare. Not having childcare is a date deal killer for a lot of couples. You can provide these dates in physical format (PDF) or online.
- Articles. Email couples links to your favorite blogs and other online resources. You can create your own email magazine or newsletter (also known as an E-ZINE), or check out MarriedPeople Monthly. We create a monthly email newsletter/magazine that gives couples go-and-dos they can actually go and do. You send the email to the married people at your church every month through an email management tool, like Constant Contact or MailChimp. We also have articles for couples on the MarriedPeople Couples blog.
- Partnering couples with couples. Every couple needs a couple down the road, one who has been married longer and has some more life experience. Pair couples with other down the road couples who are great listeners. Often times, these couples can provide just what a younger couple needs. Encourage them to simply grab a meal and get honest. As you find time, provide them with a few questions to get them started.
Many, if not most, married couples aren’t antagonistic towards each other, they are just disconnected. When you help couples laugh, think, talk to each other and others, it helps them re-connect or perhaps connect for the first time.
Trust yourself on what tools to provide and relationships to encourage. Your expert knowledge of busyness can help you know what couples can and will actually do.
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
by Ted Lowe | Feb 28, 2017 | Leadership, Training
by Ted Lowe
Four times a year, I have the privilege of sharing at a marriage retreat for an organization called Myles Apart. Myles Apart was started by my dear friends, Tina and Sam Dula, after their son Myles was diagnosed with autism. Each quarter, this marriage retreat ministers to six couples who have children with autism and other special needs. These couples do indeed need a retreat.
While everyone’s story is unique, these couples always have similar struggles: the financial burden of expensive therapies, the lack of time as a couple and guilty feelings that they aren’t or can’t do enough to help their children. While they have similar struggles, the way they cope can be very different. In fact, for some, autism has been the thing that has made them closer than ever before. For others, it’s the thing that has pushed them further apart. So, what’s the difference in these two types of couples? The answers are relevant to ALL married couples.
INTENTIONAL PERSPECTIVE
The couples that are thriving have a different perspective than the couples who are struggling. This perspective didn’t just happen, almost all of them had a defining moment when one or both of them decided to change their perspective. One lady said, “One day, I decided I was going to stop using my husband as a punching bag and start using him for a soft place to land.” Couples who are thriving see each other as a team who work together instead of two opponents who compare whose life is harder.
INTENTIONAL HELP
Couples that are thriving accomplish what can seem like the impossible task of finding outside help they can actually afford. They make the hard ask of their family and friends to help them love this child with some very special needs. They realize that they have to have time to recharge their batteries if they are going to give their child the love and care they need.
You don’t have to have a child with special needs to take a cue from these couples. Just like them, it’s easy to play the ”My life is harder than yours game” with our spouse. The next time you catch yourself playing that game, stop and thank your spouse for what they do for the family. It will not only make them want to work harder, but they will appreciate what you do more as well.
Secondly, find some help. So many times we take everything on by ourselves, leaving no space for our marriage. Send the kids to grandmas, or ask a friend to take a kid to practice so you can have a weekly or bi-monthly date night. Feel guilty? Then trade favors. Chances are other parents need some time together too.
While not every couple has a child with special needs, every marriage has special needs. What are you doing to meet the special needs of your marriage?
Ted Lowe is a speaker and the director of MarriedPeople, the marriage division at Orange. Ted is the author of two books—one for marriage ministry leaders (Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last) and one for married couples (Your Best US: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think). He served for almost 10 years as the director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church. He lives near Atlanta, Georgia, with his four favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their three children.
