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4 Fears That Kill Leadership Potential

4 Fears That Kill Leadership Potential

by | Sep 7, 2017 | Leadership

I’’ve failed more than I’’ve succeeded. I’’ve been criticized more than I’’ve been complimented. I’’ve been thrown into circumstances that I’’ve never been in before more times than I’ve found myself somewhere familiar.

Because of those truths, it makes me fearful that those trends will continue and I will ultimately find myself unemployed, alone and isolated.

Maybe you can relate. I make decisions worried that it won’’t work out. I assign tasks scared that they won’’t follow through. I lead the team into the future doubting that goals will be accomplished. Sound familiar?

Don’’t get me wrong. I wish that fear wasn’’t a part of my life. I sincerely hope that one day I’’ll be in a place where I have so much confidence that fear dare not rear its ugly face. But that day is not today.

The truth is that we leaders don’’t do a good job at all of sharing these fears. We don’’t want to get vulnerable or seem like we don’t have it all together. Although I don’’t advocate this, I completely understand. But I have come to find over the many years of leadership that we all share at least some of these fears.

1. Fear of Failure

This fear goes beyond the common dislike of failure. No one likes to fail. Although good things can come from failure, it’’s never a good feeling when you do fail.

The fear that I’’m talking about here is the one where you obsess about the possibility of failure. Rather than immediately thinking about what could happen if you succeed, you’’re consumed by what will happen if you fail.

Ever been there? You’’ve been given a promotion or a new assignment at work and the only thing you find yourself thinking about is what happened to the last guy and how he failed. Or you stay awake at night thinking through “what if” scenarios that all end in you being fired or causing the organization to go bankrupt.

The fear of failure makes you stay where it’s familiar a little too long and prevents you from reaching new heights and accomplishing greater things.

2. Fear of Criticism

This one is tough for me. Other people’’s words and descriptions about me matter to me. Not to the point where I think I’’m a people-pleaser, but they do impact me more than they should. When I am criticized, I can remember every word spoken and every nonverbal action exhibited. I can remember, specifically, criticisms that I received over 20 years ago (I know, I need to let it go).

But because of this, in my leadership, I find that I am paralyzed when faced with the possibility of criticism.

Do you connect with that idea? You’’ve just been put on a team with the most critical person on the team—you know, the person who is critical of every idea that isn’’t their own  It doesn’’t matter what you suggest or do, you will be criticized.

As leaders, we can’’t allow others’ words to keep us from leading our team forward. The fear of criticism forces you into a place where you only recycle old ideas and limit your creative output.

3. Fear of Inadequacy

Maybe my story is unique, but I’’m guessing that it’’s not. I don’t think I’’ve ever been the leader of a group or organization in which I felt I had what it took to succeed. When faced with something new, I immediately feel this comparison game start to creep in and how others could do it much better than I could.

Do you compare yourself, too? It can be someone we work with or a peer in the industry. We look at them and we immediately think that they have it all figured out and we don’’t. The reality is that the fear of inadequacy is a no-win proposition.

There will always be people doing it better.… And there will always be people that appear to be doing it better. The fear of inadequacy diminishes the gifts and skills you have and hides them away until they die and are no longer useful to you.

4. Fear of Success

I’’ve seen this one over and over. I have seen people at the point of graduating from college who fail a class just so they don’t have to leave the comfort of what they’’ve come to know for the last few years. That’’s how this fear manifests itself most often.

I want you to hear and be encouraged by this: If you have fear as you lead, you are completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you. It absolutely does not mean that you shouldn’’t be in leadership at all. Both are thoughts that I’’ve had before.

What to Do About These Fears?

Before going any further, let’’s take a look at four fears in particular. These are four fears that I believe many leaders have in common. Some of these are more overt fears than others, but if you have any of them, it could be the reason that you aren’t reaching your potential as a leader.

Do you find that you’’re too comfortable? When it’’s time for change or a new direction, do you resist it in lieu of staying where everything is familiar? If so, this may be a fear for you. Success brings with it new expectations, new problems and new ambiguity. And, that’’s not always appealing to everyone.

When you’’ve experienced success, you may find that you’re asking whether it was worth it. Your event grew by 50% this year, so next year you need to make it grow another 50%. Which will take more people, energy, budget, etc. Fear of success keeps you where it’s comfortable and prevents you from taking the organization forward.

Those fears in my leadership have caused me to make poor decisions, no decisions and late decisions. When I am fearful, I make horrible decisions— because fear blinds me rather than opening my eyes to all of the possibilities. When I am fearful, I make no decisions —because fear causes me to wait rather than act. When I am fearful I make decisions that are far too late to be effective—because fear causes me to hesitate rather than take a step forward.

So, which of these fears do you immediately connect with? We all have them. And I’ve found that talking about them and saying them out loud will actually help us overcome them more easily. I believe there’s more for you … and I don’t want fear to be the thing holding you back.

Reposted with permission. This blog originally appeared here.

Single and in Marriage Ministry

Single and in Marriage Ministry

by | Aug 22, 2017 | Leadership, Spotlight

by Jessica Asbell

I am currently leading the charge in helping our families strengthen their marriages by using the MarriedPeople strategy.
I am actually the Children’’s Minister at my church.
And I have never been married.
So it might seem odd that I’’m the one implementing the MarriedPeople strategy.

But, I am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was very small. My mother married my stepfather when I was six, but they divorced when I was twelve. So I know the pain and the issues with trust that come from being a child of divorce.

So when Ted Lowe and Doug Fields spoke about the MarriedPeople strategy and their book, Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages That Last, at the Orange Conference a few years ago, it resonated with me. They talked about how one of the best things you can do for the children in your ministry is to help keep their parents’ marriages together. This statement may not seem earth-shattering, but it blew me away.

As the Children’’s Minister, I could actually do something to help the kids in my ministry not have to go through the anger and pain I experienced. So I bought their book and excitedly brought it to our Minister to Young Families. He liked the idea, but it wasn’’t the right time.

This year, he became our Senior Pastor. I brought up the idea again, and we began implementing the strategy. So far we have partnered the date nights with our Parent’s’ Night Out, had our first large group event, and done our first small group study.

I’’ve heard stories of funny nicknames that were revealed in the large group, and that one couple who are with each other 24/7 actually didn’’t get any of the questions right in their Not So Newlywed game!

Our couples have responded very well to these events and they are having a blast with it. Is it awkward for me that I’’m single and doing a marriage strategy? Sometimes.

There are times when I’’m not sure where I fit with this: Should I be at the event even though I’’m not the target audience, or should I be with the children——since I am the Children’’s Minister? But in the end, it’’s totally worth it.

Ministry to children involves their families as well. And if I can help their parents’ marriage, then I am a better minister to those precious kiddos.

 

Jessica Asbell in the Children’s Minster at First Baptist Church Roswell in Roswell, GA.

How to Stop Working 7 Days a Week

How to Stop Working 7 Days a Week

by | Jul 25, 2017 | Leadership

by Carey Nieuwhof

I was reading feedback recently from some church leaders who attended a conference I spoke at, and one comment I saw stopped me in my tracks. We asked the question: What is the one problem that——if you could solve it——could revolutionize your ministry?

His response: To stop working 7 days a week.
My heart went out to him.

I don’’t think I know a single ministry leader (or business leader for that matter) who hasn’’t struggled with working too many hours. And I know far too many who never take a full day off.

While I think overwork will always be a struggle for most driven people (it has been for me), I think it’s almost an epidemic among many ministry leaders.

So how do you recover from it? I’’ll share some insights from my journey and would love to hear yours.

Two Truths No One Can Really Argue With

First, two things that are simply true in leadership:

You will never be done. This may not be the case when you start. I remember beginning in ministry in some very small churches and thinking “how on earth am I going to fill 40 hours?” I actually called people to see if there was more I could do.

As we grew I never suffered from the problem of boredom again.

In fact, a church of 100 can place just as many demands on ministry leaders as a church of 1000.  Sometimes more, because in a church of 100 people assume you have all the time in the world for them.

You think you will make up for the demand by working more hours, or by working smarter, but that’’s a dead end street.

So just admit it. Say it out loud. No matter how many hours I work, I will never be done.

The problem with needs based ministry is there are always more needs. You probably got into ministry because you care about God and about people. And you want to help meet people’s needs.

I’’ll never forget what my friend Reggie Joiner told me when I first met him. The problem with needs based ministry is there are always more needs.

If your goal is to respond to every human need out there, you will never sleep. Just know that. You are fighting a battle you will lose every time.
And the biggest losers will be your family, whose needs will be ignored in the process.

7 Practical Tips to Help Your Stop Working 7 Days a Week

So how do you de-escalate your hours, not make people angry and actually have time to refuel? Well, this journey has taken me years, but here it is in seven bullet points:

1. Preplan your calendar with ‘slots’ for everything you need to do
About five years ago I moved to a fixed calendar. It’s the only reason I’’m still sane today and can do what I’ve been called to do. By a fixed calendar I mean I pre-plan what I’’m going to do and not going to in advance.

I book no meetings as a rule on Mondays and Wednesdays. Those are message writing/series planning days. I also do much of the administration I need to do.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are meeting days. I meet with our staff and if anyone else is going to meet with me, it will be in the slots available on those days.

The power of this system is that when someone asks if you’’re free to meet with them, you can honestly tell them you are not. Your message prep is extremely important, and if it’’s in your calendar, you can tell them that unfortunately you’’re not free Monday. If all you have is nothing booked it, you will almost always tell them you’’ve got nothing going on and you’’ll meet them.

And you’’ll do your sermon prep on Saturday when you should be home with your family. And, by the way, your congregation will suffer because you didn’’t spend the time you needed to on your message.

2. Book down time in your calendar
Slot in family time, personal time, devotional time, exercise time, and time to just be. Write your day off in your calendar.

Then when someone asks you if you are free, you say, ““Unfortunately, I’’m not.”” Again, if you think rest isn’’t important, ask the question again once you’’re in full fledged burnout (here are 9 signs you’’re getting there).

And if you have pre-determined slots available for meeting people in the weeks ahead, you can offer them one of those.

3. Learn to ask yourself, “Is it truly an emergency and can only I help?”
If you lead in a larger church, this isn’’t the issue it used to be. But when our church was smaller, people always looked to me for pastoral care. (We’’ve switched most of our care to groups and outside counseling, a move I can’’t recommend highly enough.)

The challenge is everyone who asks you to meet with them wants to meet with you now because it’’s so important and they’’re in crisis and only you can help.

In those moments, remind yourself that what feels like an emergency to them might not actually be an emergency.  Their marriage didn’’t get terrible overnight, it’’s been sliding for years. Ask one more question, and you might discover that X has been in the hospital for a week and will be there for another week.

Too many church leaders give up their personal time and family time for crises that aren’t really crises.

And then ask yourself (especially if you want your church to grow), am I the only person who can really help? Truth is I am sometimes the person who can least help. They need a counsellor. Or a doctor. Or someone from their community group to visit.

If you are the only person who can help, try this: ““I’’m sorry to hear that. I have some time available Monday, can we meet then?”” You’’ll be shocked at how many times the person immediately says, “”Sure, no problem.””

4. Power down
The problem is just as much you as it is them, isn’’t it. You’’re addicted to your phone. I am.
So power down. When I’’m truly off, I sometimes move my mailbox app to a third screen on my phone so I don’’t look at it.

Be unavailable. People expect you to be off. So be off when you’’re off.

5. Tell people the truth—…they’’ll be happy for you
Maybe this is just me, but for years I felt guilty about telling people I was taking a day off. I know, only crazy people think like that, but I’’m a crazy person. Sometimes I would say things like “I’’ve been working for a month without a day off so I really need to take it.”

Seriously. What is wrong with me that I need to justify time off?

So next time you’’re off or need to be off, just tell them, “…”Oh you know, that’’s my day off. …Can we do it another time?””

You know what? They’’ll be thrilled for you. At least normal people will.

6. Create categories of things you will no longer do
As your ministry or organization grows and you have more responsibility, you need to regularly decide what you are simply no longer going to do.

The best way I know how to do this is to think in categories.

I schedule lots of time for my direct reports and elders.
I schedule less time for everyone else.
I leave time open for unchurched people.
I have limited time for outside church leaders, but make a few slots available every month.
I don’’t do counseling.
I don’’t as a rule do pastoral care except for our staff and elders.
I don’’t do many weddings or funerals.
I don’’t attend local ministerials, but will meet with other local pastors of like minded churches.

I realize many people will disagree with these choices, but they have helped me lead a larger church that’’s generally very healthy. And I have time for myself and my family and time to pursue hobbies like writing. Plus it allows me to spend the majority of my working time doing what I’’m best at and what adds the most value to our church.

7. Learn to Say “No” Nicely
I hate saying no. I’’d love to say yes to everyone. But I would be dead and they would not be helped.

I wrote this post outlining a six step strategy on how to say no nicely.

I also need to confess that I have a secret weapon. I have a great assistant, Sarah. Sometimes I joke I pay her to say no all day long. She’’s so good and it and so nice that when she says no on my behalf, people feel like she said yes. I’’m not kidding.

The transferable principle is that if you’’re in a larger organization and can support an assistant, find one who excels at saying no and setting boundaries, nicely.  It’’s an amazing gift—…not just to you, but to the entire organization. And if you don’’t have a budget for that, my guess is you can even find a volunteer who will help you by handling your calendar.

And again, if you have no staff, follow this procedure.

A final word: this needs constant revisiting. I’’m about to review all my outside and inside commitments again next month and start cutting again. You are never done. As more opportunities arise, you need to be relentless in what you say no to—…even if you say it nicely.

I hope this helps.

What has helped you stop working 7 days a week?

The Safety Dance

The Safety Dance

by | Jul 18, 2017 | Faith, Leadership

I believe the hardest thing about being a leader in the church is the island I am put on by the people of our church as a ministry family, and as a ministry married couple. There are not very many people I can be brutally honest with and unapologetic about the hard stuff I deal with.

It’’s hard to find someone that can really relate to the spiritual weight Jeff and I carry, or what it’s like to lead in the church. It is an honorable calling from God that can leave me feeling lonely real quick! As I have talked to many couples and wives about leadership in the church, this issue seems to hit the hardest and it’s the sneakiest.

I am surrounded by people all day long. Talking and praying, planning and caring for, meeting and greeting, hugging and mentoring each and every day. People are our “business.” How in the world can I feel alone when it’’s hard to even find a place daily to be alone?

It’’s why I so strongly believe that as leaders in the church we need to be seriously intentional about finding safe people in our lives that we can be honest with about ministry and the craziness of our calling.

Jeff and I have been married for 16 years and both of us have been serving in ministry for even more years than that. This wonderful ideal of having safe people in our lives did not happen overnight. It has been years of trial and error. Many friendships over the years have evolved into beautiful wonderful people in our lives, but still they cannot provide the “safety” I am talking about. And some friendships when testing these waters of safety fall right off a cliff or send people running for the mountains——and right out of our lives and out of our church. It’’s painful to say the least.

We have been so bold to even tell people, “Being friends with us is dangerous. You will see how your pastor really lives and acts. Church will become messy for you and probably not picture perfect (if it ever was). Can you handle that?”

It’’s been prayerful years, begging God for safe people whom I can be real with, cry with, yell with, and belly laugh with. I need friendships that will call me out, and keep me accountable, push back at me when I’’m off my rocker, speak into my marriage when it’’s heading the wrong direction, help me with parenting my non-perfect-pastor-kids. Friends who can see the mess of the church and love it even more! Friends like this are a diamond in the desert.

I am blessed with many wonderful friends, but just a small few who can walk with me through the landmine fields of ministry, who are brave enough and strong enough to see and accept my imperfections as a pastor’’s wife and the imperfect church we work in. Someone who will keep trudging and celebrating with us day after day. I have a friend like this, and keeps me alive and able to love ministry. God has sent me this gem of a human and her husband and family to love us unconditionally in ministry.

Not only do these safe people need to be amazing and accepting, I have to be willing to be vulnerable, real and authentic. Can I do that? As a pastor’’s wife, it’’s easy to believe I am pretty awesome because other people seem to naturally think that about me and our family just because of our role in the church. It’’s a trap!

To begin to act or believe that I may be even one degree more “together” than the people who attend my church, is a lie! God did not choose my husband and our family to lead His church because we are smarter, braver, more spiritual, more Bible thumping, more patient, more graceful, more loving, more prayerful, etc. than anyone else!

I DO NOT KNOW WHY HE CHOOSES TO USE US! More realistic, He probably roped us in because we didn’t know what we were in for! Many days if I knew what I was in for being a pastor’’s wife, I would have jumped off a cliff myself rather than say yes to this calling!! It’’s hard. Period.

Safe friends are essential. We were not meant to live alone and especially not meant to lead alone.

 

Amanda Maguire has been married to a youth pastor and now the lead pastor of a church. (It’s the same guy!) They are raising a family with three kids.  Amanda is passionate about being a part of the divorce rate going down in her community and the happy healthy rate of marriages going up!

 

Surviving the Pressure

Surviving the Pressure

by | Jun 20, 2017 | Leadership

by Carey Nieuwhof

How’’s your marriage?

Really?

I’’ve been fortunate to be married to my wife Toni for over 22 years. And we’’re experiencing more joy and satisfaction in our marriage than we’’ve ever had.

But we almost didn’’t make it.

There’’s a lot of pressure on marriages and families today. We’’ve felt it. Intensely.

Life and leadership put a lot of strain on a marriage. Add kids and jobs into the mix and the pressure sometimes can get ultra intense.

I wish I could say I have an ideal marriage, but I can’’t.
I wish I could say we never fight, but I can’’t.
I wish I could say I’’ve led my family perfectly, but that wouldn’’t be true.

Recently at Connexus Church, where I serve, my wife Toni joined me, and together we shared the message. As part of a series on love, we talked as openly and transparently as we could about the very real struggles we faced. About seasons in which she didn’’t think our marriage was going to make it, and about seasons when I wasn’’t sure how we were going to get through.

Like many couples, we started out strong, but the busy-ness of life, the pressure of ministry and our own baggage and issues interfered to the point where we both felt our marriage was broken.

We weren’’t sure how to fix it, or whether it was reparable, but we both refused to believe God had given up on us or our family. So we pushed through.

I hope our story will encourage you like it encouraged many in our congregation.

I know . . .
How tough leadership can be.
How exhausting (and exhilarating) ministry is.
How guys don’’t like to do the things we tell other people to do.
How easy it is to quit.

But both Toni and I have come to a place where we are so thankful we didn’’t quit.

Although we went through seasons where our emotions were painful and made us want to escape, our emotions eventually caught up to our obedience.

But for your reference, here are the seven things we talked about in the message that helped us make it through.

While we we’re hesitant to say we’’ve got it figured out, we want to share them in the hopes they might help you like they helped us:

1. We had dates nights. We saw evenings with each other as investments, not expenses. Although we sometimes felt guilty for time away from the kids, we knew that one of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage.

When it got really tough, I began to resent date nights because they would turn into ‘date arguments’, but I’’m so glad we pushed through that. Prioritize your spouse. No matter what.

2. We prayed for our marriage. Again, I wish I was the hero. But I wasn’’t. Even as a pastor, something inside me resisted praying out loud with my wife. We did manage to pray together, and we both believe with all our hearts that it is Christ who has kept our marriage together. A cord of three strands is indeed not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

3. We sought Christian counseling. You can see a pattern developing here, but it was easier for Toni to seek help than for me to do so. I’’m sure it was pride. But good, Christian counselling, among other things, helped us to stop the cycle of blame and replace it with responsibility.

4. When we hit impasses, we went to a third party. Having a handful of people (and a small group) you love and trust is a God-send, literally. We are grateful for our closest friends who prayed for us and helped us.

5. We took divorce off the table. This should probably be in 82 point font and underlined. Out of obedience, we refused to quit. I believe God wanted us to press through, so I did. And I kept thinking about the story I wanted God to write for my kids, family, and ministry. Divorce was off the table.

6. We worked to build an authentic friendship. Sure, we were great friends when we got married, but many people go through a period for a decade or so where you so focus on the kids you almost have to reintroduce yourself when that season ends. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re friends. We’ve become great friends (again) and are really excited about the times ahead, now that our kids are getting older (21 and married, 17 and in high school).

7. We put our obedience ahead of our emotions. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if you don’’t feel like it. And eventually, our emotions caught up with our obedience. All the hard work and our trust in Christ paid off, and we are in a season now where I think we’’re reaping the harvest from the good seed we sowed in a tough season. We’re both incredibly thankful.

Toni and I share this in the hopes it encourages you.

While our marriage hasn’’t been easy, it’’s been so worth it.

We’’re at a place where we had always hoped to be, but didn’’t know how to get to. And our emotions have caught up with our obedience.

What’’s helped you? What are you learning? What remains as your biggest struggle?

 

This article originally appeared on Carey’s blog. Reposted with permission.

4 Ways to Know If You’re a Critical Person

4 Ways to Know If You’re a Critical Person

by | Jun 13, 2017 | Faith, Leadership

by Tim Parsons

I’ve really been on a criticism kick lately.  Not giving it out like candy on halloween…but considering the idea of criticism.  I feel like I’ve noticed that we have grown more critical over the last several years.  And we chalk it up to “being helpful” or simply “expecting higher standards.”

But the reality that I’ve noticed is that much of the criticism I see and hear comes from a place of selfishness and personal preferences rather than a place of general good and helping someone or something move to a place of greater effectiveness or impact.

And I’m as guilty as anyone.  I’ve completely bought in.  I am all-in on giving out criticism.  And no one or nothing is off limits.  I’m not proud of it . . . but it’s true.  I’m working on it.

For example, my kids’ school just hired a new principal.  The search has been going on for a few months and they’ve done a good job of keeping us in the loop on what’s going on.  But, they just made the announcement of the new principal.

My first reaction—to criticize their choice. I found that I wanted to immediately point out everything that was wrong and all of the ways that they could have done it better.  If I’m being honest, though . . . those thoughts and feelings were coming from a place of pride. Instead I had to resist that and trust that their process and decision was not only one that was well thought out, but also one that was guided by God.
So, I’ve been thinking lately about myself and others who are critical and how I can help us all evaluate and know if we’re the ones who are critical or not. And here’s what I came up with – 4 ways to know if you’re a critical person:

  1. What’s the goal of the criticism? I’ve found that the motivation for the criticism tells me a lot about whether or not it should be shared. Is the goal rooted in my own preferences or opinions or is it based on something that is truly for the greater good? Do I just want to show how much I know? Do I just want to be right?  Or, is my goal to contribute towards a goal that is noble and God-honoring?
  2. What’s the ratio of criticism to compliments? This question is an interesting one—but I think there is inherent value in it. I truly believe that we should all try our hardest to be encouragers.  And criticism can often be discouraging. But, when there is a higher ratio (or at least a 1:1 ratio) of compliments to criticisms, it can be a little easier for people to swallow. If you find that you criticize someone or something WAY more than you compliment them, you’re probably doing something wrong.
  3. How much consideration have you given to the criticism? I have certainly discovered time and time again that my first reaction to something is usually not as sharp as I imagine it is. But once I take time to think about the criticism (i.e. answering these questions first), I find that I either don’t give criticism at all or I at least fine tune my criticism to be more helpful. If you feel compelled to give criticism, I want to encourage you to take some time to consider it before you speak it.
  4. How close are you to the situation? I can imagine that I am much closer to a situation just because I am a stakeholder in it. Let me say that again in a different way, I find that just because I am connected or impacted by a decision or action, that I feel like I am close enough to it to criticize it. The example for me is the one of my kids’ school and the hiring of the principal.  I am impacted by it, but I have absolutely NO idea how the decision was reached, the competency of the other candidates, or even the talents, skills, and gifts of the guy they picked. So, just because you shop at Walmart, that doesn’t mean that you are close enough to the situation to criticize their decision to move your favorite product from aisle 10 to aisle 22.

How do you rank yourself on giving criticism and generally being a critical person?
Do you have work to do?
We all do.

These four questions will help you evaluate yourself and move closer to being a person that people actually seek out for criticism rather than being the one they run from because all you do is criticize them.

 

Reposted with permission. This article originally appeared here.

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